#18

Crier Quotes

“Let me tell you something, Jack, say what you want, but I can play the devil out of the spoons.”- Joe Biden

Feature

Time to Bury All the Hatchets

The Lede:

Across the country this week, American's tuned in to watch the Braves battle the Astros for Major League Baseball supremacy. At pivotal moments during games held at Truist Park in Atlanta, the stadium went dark, fans turned their phone flashlight on and began chanting while waving their arms in a chopping motion: the Tomahawk Chop. In a recent ESPN article, the Tomahawk Chop was called a "wildly ahistorical, fundamentally problematic and altogether unnecessary ritual." The piece argued the Braves organization put an end to the chop. This outlet couldn't agree more. Moreover, we will put our necks on the line and say it is our manifest destiny to erase all images and rituals of Native American people and culture from sports.

Is this really a problem?

Absolutely. It is degrading to Indigenous peoples across the country, forced to watch as teams like the former "Redskins" represent them by repeatedly losing. That is not the legacy these people deserve. Native Americans are well aware they lost their land. They don't need a repeated reminder in the form of poor sporting performance.

Ask yourself, haven't Native people gone through enough?

We applaud the Indians for coming to their senses and changing their name. The move was long overdue. We believe no culture - and we mean no culture - should ever be humiliated by being forced to associate themselves with Cleveland.

What's the solution?

Good question. We don't want to be "that media outlet" to point out a problem and not bring any solutions to the table. So, we've come prepared.

To quote a man beloved in Germany for a short period, "there is only one, final solution." That quote leads us to another man, a once-beloved president, who said, "We must eradicate all Native Americans" ... sporting images/rituals ... and replace them with ones that celebrate what it means to be white.

In stadiums occupied by majority-white fans, rituals and chants should reflect and celebrate their whiteness.

Examples, please.

You got it.

During tense moments, when everything is on the line, and the team needs a defensive stop, fans should be encouraged to mime applying sunblock. Nothing protects a whites melanin deficient epidermis like a good FPS 350 lathering - what better way to protect the team!

When a hockey player gets called for a minor penalty, white fans should be encouraged to slap each other on the wrist, as our laws do.

When their favorite baseball team is playing poorly, white fans should join as one voice, chanting, "this is unacceptable, and we would like to speak with the manager!"

All seventh inning stretches should be the "Cotten Eyed Joe."

When white fans see a linebacker knock a defenseless wide receiver unconscious by using his helmet as a battering ram, there is only one acceptable full-stadium response. The overjoyed whites should take out their phones and pretend it is a can of whoop-ass (the same can of whoop-ass as the one just unleashed on the field) and try to open it. However, like a stubborn jar of mayonnaise, they cannot open it, so they pass it to the person sitting to their right, who opens it with one twist and give it back. Then everyone shouts, "I loosened it for you!"

If we do as the media correctly calls for us to do, once-and-for-all erase the Native from our cherished and most hollowed sporting events and replace the indigenous rituals with ones that reflect the glory that is the American white, then consider our nation's problems solved.

Miscellaneous

• Apple's must-have new product is a $19 polishing cloth - and for just $50 more, an Apple employee will literally slap you in the face.

• A&W Restaurants is promoting a new burger that pokes fun at its failed Quarter Pounder competitor: the 1/3lb burger. Because Americans mistakenly thought 1/4 was more than 1/3, they never bought in. Now, to make it clear, A&W is offering what they call the 3/9 burger. A spokesperson said, "Watch out McDonald's - with math finally out of the way, the only thing that can hold us back now is taste!"

• From the New Yorker - "Energy, more than talent or luck, results in extraordianry outcomes." Which would explain why so many great ideas start with "hear me out - and this isn't just the cocaine talking..."

• World leaders met in Glasgow for the COP26 Climate Change Conference. During President Biden's speech, he told those in attendance that four years ago, Americans weren't ready for serious climate action but now "have, as they say in the southern parts of my state, seen the Lord." The audience responded by chanting another phrase they learned from the southern states, "Let's go, Brandon!"

• In order to combate climate change, global cities are now hiring "Chief Heat Officers." Which means one day, God willing, when asked who's responsible, someone will say, "It's not the Chief Heat Officer, it's the Chief Humidity Officer."