#184

Sunday, September 14th

Crier Quotes

“My my my, check out the tail on that fish.”
⁃ Aquaman 

Trending News

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A recent article claims 28% of WNBA players are lesbians. You can easily tell which WNBA players are lesbians because, compared to their straight teammates, they’re much weaker at ball handling.  

Feature

Hegseth Promotes Captain Morgan to Admiral

In his first act as newly minted Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth made a splash Friday afternoon by promoting his longtime advisor Captain Morgan to Admiral, effective immediately. The Captain, previously served as Secretary Hegseth’s Chief of Staff and heavily influenced his day-to-day operations. 

During the frocking ceremony, Sec. Hegseth spoke of the integral role Captain Morgan has played in not just his early tenure as Secretary but his entire life. “The Captain is the first person I meet with in the morning, and the last person at night,” said Hegseth while pinning the four gold stars of his new rank onto the shoulder boards of his dress white uniform, the insignia gleaming under the ceremonial lights. “For longer than I can remember, I haven’t made a single decision without consulting with the Captain. And as you can see, he hasn’t missed yet.”   

In a short speech, the now Admiral Morgan spoke of what an honor it is for him to become one of the few service members of Jamaican descent to hold such a lofty position. “It’s not lost on me that a placement this high on the shelf is rare. As I look around, most of my contemporaries are of Scotch or Irish descent, and many have hailed from Kentucky or Tennessee. And while I may not have graduated top of my class at the Academy, as so many before me have, you cannot distill experience from a textbook. As I often say to Secretary Hegseth, ‘what we have, it’s in our blood.’”

With the promotion, Morgan will now serve as Vice Chief of Naval Operations, joining Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Nelson, as Sec. Hegseth’s top two in naval command. Morgan was not the only seaman earning his stripes Friday, as Sec. Hegseth also promoted the eager young upstart, Sailor Jerry, to First Mate.

Sec. Hegseth confirmed the department will host a formal “wetting down” of Morgan next Saturday, where he will personally participate in a 21-shot salute.

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