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- #194
#194
Sunday, January 18th
In Partnership with WarriorWOD
#194
Sunday, January 18th
Crier Quotes
I’ve spent the better part of the last three decades training four turtles the art of ninjutsu.
- Rick Moranis on what he’s been up to since the late 90s
Trending News
KFC has introduced a new poutine-inspired bowl, which includes French fries, brown gravy, chicken nuggets, and fried cheese curds. Said one KFC executive, Ozempic started it, but we sure as hell intend to finish it. The bowl comes in sizes large, extra large, and I hate myself.
There were reports this week that a bear ransacked a candy store in Tennessee for the fourth time. Store owners say it’s not a coincidence. Partially because it’s the fourth time, but mainly because of the note it left in licorice reading, “This is personal. You know what you did, Dianne.”
The CEO of Chuck E. Cheese said in a new interview that he wants to make a movie about the franchise. I know, crazy right? Chuck E. Cheese has a CEO?
In an interview on NewsNation Wednesday, U.S. Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollings spoke about food affordability saying that it only costs about $3 for a meal consisting of a piece of chicken, broccoli, a corn tortilla, and one other thing — When asked what that one other thing could be, Rollins said “I don’t know, how about a side of stop being a little bitch.”
Cinemark is celebrating national popcorn day by allowing movie goers to bring in their own 5 gallon popcorn bucket to the theater to fill for free. “Well well well, not such a stupid registry gift now, is it!” said husbands.
A high school basketball player in Arizona became the first player in Arizona high school basketball history to score 100 points in a game, leading his team to a historic 109-25 victory. Marking yet another devastating loss this season for the players at the St. Helen’s School for the Armless and Blind.
Feature
Ram Announce New Test Drive Includes Sleeping in Car After Argument with Wife
Hailing the new program as a complete game changer, executives at Stellantis announced the automaker would soon roll out a new customer experience initiative that goes beyond the traditional test drive. Starting in early spring 2026, qualified buyers can now take vehicles home overnight to experience what it's really like to live in their potential new car after getting thrown out by their wife.
“We understand that a 20-minute loop around the block doesn't give buyers the full picture,” said Roger Parrish, Chief Innovation Officer at Ram. “The new program lets customers test the car the way it was meant to be tested: for the life of a Ram owner.” The “live-in” test drive includes taking the vehicle to the job site, flashing your high beams while tailgating behind a student driver, and inevitably sleeping in the driveway because you’ve come home drunk again after getting ejected from your son’s little league game to find that the wife changed all the locks. “That’s what our trucks are designed for,” added Parrish. “That’s what owning a Ram is all about.” Program participants must meet standard qualification requirements including a valid driver's license, proof of insurance, and a propensity to wear Oakleys on the back of their heads.
Parrish says the new line of Ram trucks scheduled for this spring boast a cargo area that accommodates a full-size inflatable bed standard, but upgrade packages for queen and even king-size cargo box will be available.
At press time, select Ram dealerships announced buyers can also pre-qualify for blanket and pillow enhancements and complimentary case of Monster energy drinks with proof of still owning Ed Hardy apparel due at signing of divorce papers.
In partnership with WarriorWOD
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