#24

Editor's note: Apologies for missing yesterday. We were about to publish this issue, but right before we could click send, a dog barked at us for help getting a boy out from under a collapsed coal mine, and it really took up a lot of our afternoon.

Crier Quotes

“But baby, it’s cold outside”- Harvey Weinstein

Feature

Local Man Forced to Postpone Retirement After Son Announces He's Starting Podcast

Hopes of finally walking away from the Monday to Friday grind were cast asunder for local dad Frank Wright Wednesday afternoon. Frank gripped at the sudden onset tightness in his chest as his son Trevor walked into the living room and informed his father that he would be dropping out of school to pursue a career in "delivering screaming hot takes."

“I guess it was right after I got a C- in Intro to Media Studies that the idea of getting into the podcasting game started to flick my creative bean,” said Trevor. “A lot of my professors have even said that I’m the densest person they’ve ever met - which is such a huge compliment because so much of my generation is superficial. That’s when I knew I needed to launch 50 Shades of Trey.”

The podcast includes “bits" such as ranking 90s pilates videos by “spankability,” prank calls posing as staff at funeral homes that can’t find grandma, and an entire three-hour episode devoted to playing “devil’s advocate” in defense of apartheid.

At the printing of this issue, Frank was seen filling out an application for “Weekend Night Manager” at Bath and Body Works after Trevor assured him that on the off chance the podcast doesn't immediately take off, he can always “fall back” on crypto trading.

Miscellaneous

• The Biden family welcomed a new German Shepherd puppy to the White House last week - which means there are now two Biden’s Dr. Jill will have to walk, feed, and clean up after.

• OnlyFans’ founder, Tim Stokely, stepped down as CEO this week. Stokely oversaw the platform's boom during the pandemic - which he has attributed to the company’s adaptability and seamless transition to twerk from home.

• US Quidditch groups say they are exploring name change options in part because of J.K. Rowling’s transphobia. Rowling said they can change the name all they want, but biologically it's still quidditch.

• A new study suggests the unique “new baby” smell has the power to trigger outward aggression in women - While “new baby” screams trigger outward aggression in airline passengers.

• A peer-reviewed study reports the Himalayan glaciers have shrunk to 40% of what they used to be at their largest. Although it should be noted that the glaciers were measured shortly after getting out of the pool.

• The US Navy is offering free maternity uniforms to pregnant sailors - and let this outlet be absolutely clear - we are categorically against, disgusted by, and will not tolerate under any circumstances seeing a pregnant sailor at sea and shouting from the deck, “There she blows!”

• A man asked his girlfriend to marry him during a tour of the White House this week. The occasion marked the first White House proposal that hasn’t needed the approval of Joe Manchin.

Shameless Plugs

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