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“Wait, I could’ve just said I was Catholic?”- Anne Frank


Breadsticks Heard Laughing Maniacally After Ruining Entire Family’s Appetite

PARAMUS, NJ — A cold chill ran down the spines of the wait staff at a suburban Olive Garden shortly after 8 pm Wednesday evening as echoes of their nefarious cackle reverberated through the restaurant. Once again, they had taken their mark as yet another entire family fell victim to the siren’s song that is the breadsticks.

Like an old friend who “just happened to be in the neighborhood,” the basket arrives unannounced shortly after the party is seated. Piping hot, lightly buttered, a drizzle of salt, and an air that says, “come in? oh, but I wouldn’t want to impose”: The basket ever so meekly lures its prey. “I’ll only be a moment, then I’m on my way,” they say behind a wry smile. All the while simmering under their swaddling cloth wrap are excess calories and bad intentions.

“I can see it in their eyes,” said head waiter Maurice Williams as he tamps the bottom of his cigarette pack, “the moment they get taken, that is. It’s the same look a small child has shortly after dumping out their Halloween haul: Wild and unrestrained. They know they shouldn’t - but they do. They all do.”

When the bill arrives alongside four full doggie bags of take-out, a dazed father stares in bewilderment at how he could pay for not eating anything. By then, however, the deed is done. Off goes the basket, slinking like the Grinch to the table adjacent to turn their tricks once more.

Shortly after closing, the breadsticks were seen leaning against the hood of their 1981 Pontiac Firebird, regaling one of the new waitresses with the time they made Chris Christie tap out.


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