Crier Quotes

“Well, you just tell that little b**ch I’d rather die than give her another cent in alimony."- Mickey Mouse


Local Dad Shows Support for Team USA by Watching Luge Fully Reclined

GRAND RAPIDS, MI - Olympic fever is spreading across the country faster than COVID on a Carnival Cruise. Swept up in the excitement is local dad Phil Williams - committed to doing his part to support the team by watching the luge at maximum recline.

Williams took his mark draped head to toe in the stars and stripes. A steely-eyed focus on his face. His hand hovering just inches from the wooden lever, waiting to be given the go-ahead.

The task of taking home the gold would be nearly Herculean as Germany’s Johannes Ludwig set a blistering 3:48.735, but that didn’t deter Williams in the slightest as he prepared to join USA’s Chris Mazdzer for his final attempt.

“THIS IS WHAT WE TRAIN FOR!!” He shouted as he cranked the lever and launched into a rigid 180. With his toes perfectly pointed and chin tucked into his chest, Williams settled in for the slide. 3:51.377.

“Obviously, I’m gutted,” said Williams after the 8th place finish, “but I have to be happy with the fact that I can say I gave it my all, and I can take some solace in the fact that I can wear these colors with pride.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Williams was seen hanging up the phone shortly after talking with neighbor and best friend Adam Turner about the physics and strategy for their upcoming run in the doubles luge.


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