#34

Crier Quotes

“Oh — Don’t be such a little b*tch about it, Adam”- Eve

Feature

Watchdog Group Warns of Corruption as Guy Fieri Prepares to Celebrate Silver Jubilee as Emperor of Flavortown

The Lede:

On the eve of his Silver Jubilee celebration, anonymous watchdog group The Round Table are raising a few flags over Emperor Fieri’s 25-year reign, citing a litany of dirty political tricks and possible foul play.

Tell me more.

The accusations are damning, to say the least. Through tactics such as blackmail, racketeering, embezzlement, bribery, and extortion, Fieri has been able to get and keep his fingers in practically every Flavortown pie. The Round Table even claims he's a silent partner in a black market veal trafficking operation - although they admit evidence is circumstantial at best.

Through various forms of intimidation, the strongman sovereign has kept the opposition quiet. The Round Table estimates some 39 chefs, sous chefs, and busboys who were said to have corroborating evidence has either committed suicide, suffered terrible accidents, or gone missing.

What are people saying?

Doug Simmons is a government and law professor at Princeton who believes it is the iron-fisted Fieri who’s emboldened other power-hungry autocrats around the world. “Well, it’s no coincidence what we’re seeing in Ukraine,” said Simmons, “Over the last 25 years, Fieri has expanded his empire across diners, drive-ins, and dives virtually without challenge, and other world leaders took note of the lack of response. Really, we only have ourselves to blame.”

The community has been considerably tight-lipped. Few, if any, responded to our inquiries. At the mention of Fieri’s name, a ghost-white Bobby Flay wouldn’t even make eye contact with us. It was only in a candid moment in between tapings of his new show Knife Fight that we were able to pull a quote from Gordon Ramsey. “Look, you seem like nice people, so I’m going to give you a little free advice. Now, you didn’t hear it from me, but I wouldn’t f**k with Fieri. Best you go home tonight, hug whoever is closest to you, and hope it doesn’t get back to him that you’ve been poppin’ your nose about where it don’t belong,” said Ramsay.

What can be done?

In a word: Nothing.

The Round Table says Fieri is so well protected within the Flavortown palace walls that he’s impossible to reach, and even if by some miracle you were to get something to stick, Fieri would just find some stooge to take the fall.

*Editors Note*

This newsletter is written in memory of one of this story’s contributing reporters, Kevin Cooper. After submitting his final edits, Cooper was on his way home when he was T-boned by an 18-wheeler. Police found a bowl of “dragon’s breath chili,” a Fieri signature, in the passenger seat. We believe it was meant to send a message. Despite this, we chose to run the story anyway. We’ve promised the widow Cooper we’d send their boy, Andrew, to college. He hopes to be a journalist.

Miscellaneous

• Tom Brady announced he’ll be coming back for his 23rd season. Brady made the decision to return shortly after he threw the garbage to a wide-open trash can and nobody cheered, saying - “I can’t live like this.”

• To combat a string of state laws aimed at limiting abortion rights, Citigroup announced it will cover travel expenses for employees forced to go out of state to seek abortions. In unrelated news, it has just been confirmed that the best doctors are in Hawaii.

• The White House announced it will resume public tours next month. The White House hopes bringing in tour groups will increase the chances that someone will find Kamala Harris.

• In a new survey, Seattle topped the list of most desired living destinations post-graduation. While the least desired post-graduate destination remains “back with your parents.”

• A Florida man was arrested for masturbating in a Starbucks bathroom — authorities say the man would’ve gotten away with it had he only read the sign “employees must wash hands.”

• For the first time since 1940, Rockefeller Center will have a roller rink. Flipper’s Boogie Palace will be open from April 15 - October 31 and will resemble the famous Hollywood rink from the 1970s - 1980s. When the announcement was made, Dads across the country started primping their chest hairs.

• This week, Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff tested positive for COVID - but doctors say he remains negative for significance.

• Doritos is reportedly putting five fewer chips in each bag due to inflation. While there are fewer chips, a spokesperson for Doritos has reassured us the serving size will continue to be “until you’re disgusted with yourself.”