#37

Crier Quotes

"Surprise!"- Bill Cosby

Feature

Study Finds Dragging Finger Across Throat Still Best Death Threat

DALLAS, TX — Crunching the final numbers after four years of fieldwork, researchers at Southern Methodist University concluded that dragging a finger across one's throat is still the best way to communicate the impending death of a nearby adversary.

“The data speaks for itself,” said the study’s lead researcher Dr. Gregory Robinson, “Whether performed by a schoolyard bully, mafia henchman, or a psychotic pickleballer, slowly dragging a lone finger across the throat outperformed all other indicators in its ability to communicate the lust for ending someone’s life.”

Participants in the study said that extending the pointer finger towards the temple and lowering the thumb as a trigger, then cocking one's head to the side, is “decent,” but could be misinterpreted. The gesture was noted to also be applicable in situations in which one hopes to indicate suicide from boredom or extreme embarrassment following a failed interaction with a crush. While merely cracking one's knuckles, participants agreed, “lacked a certain intentionality.”

Across all death indicators, however, researchers say the threat level increased fivefold when paired with what is known as “the crazy eyes.”

Robinson hopes the study will help those looking to communicate their desire to snuff out another’s life for a wrong committed against them in the most direct and effective way possible.

Miscellaneous

• The Bidens disclosed their taxes for this year and have said they did not receive a refund. The president added that he was shocked, considering he claimed Hunter as a liability.

• The New York Daily News published an opinion piece by former governor Andrew Cuomo that you can listen to online. For authenticity, Cuomo asks you set the volume to “whisper in ear.”

• Dressing like a lesbian is the newest fashion trend. Republicans are calling the trend “just a phase.”

• In a new paper, scientists say some black holes have hair. They’re not sure yet what it means for black holes, but it does shed light on why the moon is periodically waxing.

• A new report says factory production in China slowed compared to the first months of the new year in the wake of the country’s worst COVID outbreak. On the bright side, the Chinese factory slowdown proves COVID is contagious among children.

• In order to save them from making poor financial decisions, a popular porn star said she is having sex with men if they agree not to invest in volatile cryptocurrencies and NFTs — which means whichever they decide, they could get fucked.

• This Wednesday was 4/20 — the only time other than Christmas that everybody is waiting for the man with the bag.

• After four years of living on its own in the wilderness, a New Zealand sheep was finally caught. After being caught, the sheep was relieved of nearly 40lbs of wool - its story of loneliness and wool loss will feature in the next season of Khloe Kardashian’s "Revenge Baaaaaahdy."

• A jury has awarded $450,000 to a man fired after getting confrontational and suffering a panic attack at the office birthday party he said he never wanted. The jury awarded the money after the man’s lawyer reminded them of the precedent — “It’s his party, and he’ll cry if he wants to.”

• Tucker Carlson is said to be promoting “testicle tanning” as a means to help men boost testosterone and achieve success — which sounds crazy at first, but as we’ve already learned, if you put enough bronzer on a dick, it can become president.

• An unnamed worker filed a labor complaint against Nintendo for violating their right to unionize. When asked who was making the complaint the person said, “Its’a me …. I’a mean, no, Its’a nobody … oh’a fuck, Luigi, I’a think they’a gon’a know.”

• A mirror that can tell you what size you'd take in various clothing brands is starting to make its appearance in retail stores — potentially obviating a trip to the dressing room. The mirror is said to be so smart it even knows not to say anything when asked, “Do I look fat in this?"