#4

Crier Quotes

"God, this play is so boring. I wish someone would just blow my brains out." - Abraham Lincoln

Feature

Cancel Shark "Attacks"

The Lede:

Australian conservationists and marine biologists have called for renaming “shark attacks” to “negative encounters” to “dispel inherent assumptions that sharks are ravenous, mindless man-eating monsters.”

Go on

Sharks have long been associated with ruining great things like beaches, half-time shows, and the 1970 - 80s smash hit "Happy Days" - why'd you jump that shark, Fonz . . . Why?

But, if conservationists and biologists have their way, that'll all be in the past.

A matter of perspective

What it comes down to is how we engage in conversation around sharks and so called shark "attacks," says marine biologist Colby Masman.

Conservationists and biologists have also called for the renaming of “victims” to "man-seal,” "woman-seal," or "people-seal" for those who identify as nonbinary.

They also say the first question that should be asked following a “negative encounter” should be “what were they wearing?” As wet suits may “send the wrong message” to sharks who see the slick body hugging material as an "invitation to advance.” Says Masman, "I mean, I don't want be that guy, but the caption of your instagram photo pre-"attack" was 'skin tight wet suit has me out here looking like a #snack' - what did you think was going to happen?"

The way forward

Masman says he hopes one day to see sharks reclaim "attack" and use it as a mechanism for healing and empowerment. "I don't know about you, but I'd like to live in a world where you hear two people talking and one says, 'wow, bro - you totally shark attacked that kitchen backsplash!' Wouldn't that be nice."

Guide Book

The Town Crier's 4 Tips to Re-Enter the Dating World

This week, Google reported searches for "how to date" reached a 5-year high. If you're emerging from your COVID cacoon a few wings short of a butterfly, we're here to help. Here are our tips for getting back out there and having the perfect first date:

1. Bathe - Far too often is this first and crucial step overlooked. It's been a while, we know. And frankly, Zoom hasn't helped, but trust us, once that water gets flowing, you pick it right back up. It's like they say, "Showering is like riding a bike naked down a waterfall." Don't have access to soap and water you say? The next best thing is drenching yourself in perfume or cologne. No one has ever said, "You smell too good - get away from me." So go for it! (Side note to the ladies: guys love when girls smell just like them - so, for peak attraction, coat yourself head-to-toe in AXE body spray. They'll flocking to you like a moth to a flame lit in a middle school locker room.)

2. Pick a Memorable Meet Up - You gotta find a way to stand out from the pack. Long gone are the days of mini golf and ice cream. We reccomend open cornfields, fresh crime scenes, or the local Ripley's Believe It or Not (compared to those freaks, you'll be looking hella fine). You want them to have something they can go back to their friends with and talk about - tell me you can't see yourself long-term with the person you met the night of "victim number 3."

3. Remember, It's Not What You Say, It's How You Say It - Don't say: I moved back in with my parents.Do say: I relocated to the suburbs to work remotely.Don't say: I have anxiety and crippling drepression paired with an inability to connect with others brought on by dependence to social media.Do say: I'm a member of Gen Z.Don't say: Close actually, just 40 more years 'till they're all paid off.Do say: I'm a Millennial.Don't say: I'm getting out of a really bad relationship.Do say: I'm channeling my inner #FreeBritney.

4. Pad the Stats/Cover the Flaps - If instagram has taught us nothing else, it's "All about the appearances, not the experiences." Micro P above the knee? Stuff a sock in that crotch! Embarrassed by tight jeans that got you muffintoppin? Wear curtains - they're great because they're unisex and they leave so much to the imagination. All night, he'll be thinking "damn, girl, what's a guy gotta do to get a look at what's behind curtain number one!"

Miscellaneous

• History was made in the NHL Monday as Nashville Predators prospect, Luke Prokop, came out as gay. There was some confusion in Nashville, however, as local headlines read, "Gay Predator Comes to Nashville."

• A top administrator of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops resigned after it was made known he was a regular user of the queer dating app Grindr and frequented gay bars. The monsignor’s Grindr profile read, “Member of the shaftlick church - Father is my work name, but you can call me Daddy.”

• It was announced that the Cleveland Indians will change their name to the Cleveland Guardians, following years of activism and protests. No one in Cleveland, on the other hand, has a problem with the Browns, who they say are just shades away from being offensive.

• It’s not all bad - over the last year, Benjamin Olson, 2, and Mary O’Neil, 99, have gone from neighbors to best friends. They became friends after inventing a game called “cane ball” in which Benjamin kicks a ball to the fence and Mary hits it back with her cane. The good news has made its way to Hallmark, where a TV movie about the pair is said to be in the works under the title “The Curious Can and Benjamin Olson.”

• In light of over 3,500 reported passenger incidents this year, flight attendants have been offered free training to subdue unruly passengers. Attendants have been taught to poke eyes, slap ears, and kick groins - as a last resort in severe cases, attendants have been instructed to serve the food.

• Heat spells, drought, wildfires, and smoke damage wreaked havoc on grape crops in Napa County, Calf., last year. Forecasts of future production is for wine that is dry and bitter - leading many wineries to advertise the newest batches as “divorce flavored.”

• South Carolina resident, Eliot Middleton, took matters into his own hands to fill a need in his rural town where most people do not have their own car and are made to walk everywhere. Middleton started fixing old cars and donating them to folks in need. Word got out, and some 800 cars have been donated to his cause. When asked why he does it, Middleton said, “It’s worth it just to see the look on their faces when they realize how much gas costs.”

• In an interview with Don Lemon earlier this week, President Biden admitted he likes to walk around in his robe in the morning. “Which is totally fine,” said the lead of his secret service detail, “but does he have to make us dress like bunnies?”