#46

August 14, 2022

Crier Quotes

“Texture is one of the most valuable senses when it comes to food. That’s why I eat with my hands.”- Celine Dion

Feature

FBI Confirm Boxes Taken from Mar-a-Lago Raid Filled with Used Fast Food Wrappers

MAR-A-LAGO — Early Monday morning, FBI agents executed a search warrant at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence. Authorities were in search of classified documents presumably taken by the former president. In total, agents hauled roughly 20 boxes of material. The FBI has now confirmed that among the boxes taken were several filled entirely with old fast food wrappers. Each wrapper accompanied by handwritten notes marking what item it contained, the year of consumption, and his musings.

Below is a reproduction of what was in the boxes. While it would be nearly impossible to print all of the hundreds of thousands of wrappers confiscated, we’ve decided to highlight some of them for you. We do warn, however, that some of them may shock you.

(1955) McDonald’s Big Mac“You never forget your first.”

(1983) Burger King Croissan’wich“Probably — NO DEFINITELY — the best thing to ever come out of France.”

(1991) McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish“JUST SAW GOD. HE IS FISH!!”

(2000) Subway Meatball Sub“I don’t usually like ethnic food, but I think they’re on to something here — Also, great chat with Jared. Nice guy. Lots in common. Have your secretary set up a meeting to introduce him to Epstein.”

(2005) Chick-fil-A Deluxe Sandwich“Went on Sunday — Everyone opens for Donny — Suck it Jesus!”

(2008) KFC Family Bucket“Timeless.”

(2012) Hardee’s Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger “Now I know why it's called Hard-Ds ;) If this keeps up, I gotta see a doctor! WOAH MAMA!”

(2015) Burger King Halloween Whopper“Arguably the reason I ran for Prez in the first place. Black bun taking job from a White bun — SAD!”

(2016) In-N-Out Double Double“‘Old In-N-Out’ — reminds me of my nickname backstage at the pageants — GOOD TIMES!”

(2017) Taco Bell Naked Chicken Chalupa“You had me at Naked.”

(2018) McDonald’s Szechuan Sauce“CHHIIIIIIIINNNAAAA”

At the sending of this newsletter, FBI agents uncovered a false bottom in one of the boxes. In it, they found a red 9 1/2 x 11 envelope branded with a yellow “M” marked “Secret Sauce.”

Miscellaneous

After a 15-hour overnight session, the Senate passed Democrat’s Inflation Reduction Act 51-50 with VP Harris delivering the tie-breaking vote. With both democrats and republicans voting perfectly along party lines, its safe to assume they spent the entire 15-hour session looking for Kamala Harris.
A Florida man spared no expense to fly a banner reading “ha ha ha ha ha ha” over Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate Wednesday after an FBI raid of the property. The man said it brought him a lot of joy to do so, and if given the chance, he’d do it again. Which is why he’s kept the banner flying company on retainer for his ex-wife’s funeral.
Saudi Arabian state-owned oil giant Aramco reported profits of $48.4 billion in the second quarter of 2022, up 90 percent from the $25.5 billion in quarterly profits the company brought in a year earlier. Finally, a win for the good guys!
Cracker Barrel posted on Facebook that it will introduce plant-based protein to its menu. The roadside restaurant chain then sent a follow-up post assuring outraged patrons who feared more changes that they’ll still honor their commitment to cook whatever customers just hit with their car.
According to the Associated Press, Taiwan warned Tuesday that Chinese military drills aren’t just a rehearsal for invasion but also reflect greater ambitions to “control the seas.” Taiwan hopes their warning will elicit the wrath of the international community, or at the very least, Poseidon.
Serena Williams will retire from tennis after the US Open. The WTA said it fears Williams’s departure will lead to a significant decrease in women’s grunting.
Papa Johns is rolling out its first ever crustless pizza called the Papa Bowl. While the Papa Bowl lacks a crust, insiders say it’s filled with shame.
During a deposition with New York Attorney General Letitia James, former president Donald Trump took the fifth over 400 times. To each question, Trump replied “same answer.” Attorney General James had a little bit of fun around question 375 when she slipped in “are you guilty?” To which Trump replied “sam- ahhhhh“ and they both had a good laugh.
Sesame Street announced diversity initiatives and mandated bias training following a video that shows characters snub black visitors. To help ensure employees pay more attention to black folks, Sesame Place has hired the guy who trains the police.
The world’s largest ice sheet in Antarctica is at risk of melting, which scientists say could raise sea levels by 16 1/2 feet — or to use the scientific terms 2 1/3 Shaquille O’Neils.
A new YouGov poll reports the most-desired unusual job perk by employees is paid time off to nurse a hangover. Although it should be noted the poll was conducted just minutes before each respondent walked into their intervention.
According to a Pew Research poll, 74% of Canadians say their country is more divided now than before the COVID-19 outbreak. Of that 74% of Canadians, 98% are divided on who’s more sorry about it.
As food inflation continues to rise, customers are flocking to loyalty and rewards apps like McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and Burger King. McDonald’s alone claims nearly 22 million members have been active in the last 90 days — although this outlet is dubious of that claim because the last thing you’d call people loyal to McDonald’s is “active.”