#49

Crier Quotes

“Launch a projectile at a man’s genitals, he’s famous for a day. Teach a man to launch projectiles at his genitals, he’s famous for a lifetime.”- Johnny Knoxville

Feature

Proof of Alien Visit? New Research Suggests Human Civilization Not Advanced Enough to Invent Toblerone

The Lede:

New research conducted by the University of Cambridge published in the Journal of Anthropological Archeology strongly suggests scientists reopen the discussion surrounding alien visitation. The findings argue that at the time it was invented human civilization was not nearly advanced enough to have constructed the Toblerone.

A Chance Encounter

“It’s a theory that’s been kicked around for years, mainly on the internet,” said Professor of Archeology and research team lead Arnold Kent, “But to be perfectly honest, I never took any stock in alien visitation myself. That was, of course, until a graduate student came knocking on my door with a peculiar inquiry, she asked, ‘Professor, how do you erect a pyramid consisting of honey and almond nougat, encased in chocolate, 4,000 years before Newton discovered gravity?’ Well, my interest was piqued, to say the least. Shortly afterward, we assembled a team and began our work.”

Once More Unto the Breach

Professor Kent and his team endeavored to recreate the chocolate structure using only materials and methods known to have existed at the time of its inception. The failures mounted. Each unsuccessful attempt pushed Kent closer towards madness — Trapped in the chocolate prism inside his mind.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when the professor’s spirit broke completely. Kent disbanded the team and became increasingly reclusive. He stopped showing up for work and accepting social invitations. He bathed sporadically, if at all. Rumors at the university spread regarding the professor's physical and mental condition, each one more grotesque than the last.

It was here, at his lowest, that the breakthrough was delivered to his doorstep: an unmarked parcel wrapped in newspaper and tied with twine. Inside lay a stone slab depicting the scene of Toblerone deliverance.

“I wept for three days,” said Kent, “my hell was over, and it was time to share it with the world.”

Tobeloright

When Professor Kent emerged from his quarters, brandishing the slab, the university was dubious. After authenticating the slab via carbon dating, however, the door to peer review was opened.

Professor Kent’s work has since landed him on the shortlist for the British Academy’s Kenyon Medal and an invitation to share his experience and insights as a guest on The Joe Rogan Experience.

*Editor’s Note* It is still unknown where the stone slab came from. On the night the parcel arrived, security footage from outside Professor Kent’s quarters skip .85 milliseconds.

Miscellaneous

• A 99-year-old woman in Pennsylvania welcomed her 101st great-grandchild last week. She said the baby girl “looked just like her mother” — Unfortunately, no one in the family had the heart to tell her she was holding a potato.

• Former President Obama is jumping into the midterm sprint with a $50,000-a-person VIP and $25,000-a-person general admission fundraiser in Manhattan for the Senate Democrats' campaign arm. At $50,000- and $25,000-a-person, the Democratic Party is apparently raising money for Irony.

• The school board in Barry County, Missouri, approved the new corporal punishment policy back in June, notifying parents Tuesday that misbehaving children may have their buttocks swatted with a paddle. In unrelated news, in the last half-hour, Barry County schools have received thousands of applications from priests.

• Buried under what is now a grazing pasture, archaeologists in England have uncovered a medieval pub. Archeologists say they began digging at the grazing pasture after noticing sheep were unable to walk a straight line.

• In California, a third duck whose beak was removed was found at a local park. California authorities say they haven’t seen this much facial disfigurement since the first season of Botched.

• A pair of identical twins who married another pair of identical twins have both had babies at the same time. The children are cousins and genetically brothers. Geneticists are calling the babies “Southerners.”

• According to a LendingClub report, the percentage of Americans living paycheck to paycheck has fallen slightly. LendingClub said the dip is because Americans living paycheck to paycheck are now living stimulus to forgiveness.

• A federal judge ruled in favor of a chemistry student at Ohio’s Cleveland State University, who successfully argued that the school’s scanning of his room via webcam prior to taking an exam was unconstitutional. The judge said if professors want to watch their students on webcams they’ll have to “pay for it like the rest of us.”

• It is illegal for New Yorkers under age 21 to purchase a can of whipped cream, according to recently-passed state law. The law is meant to prevent teenagers from using canned whipped cream to inhale nitrous oxide, inducing psychoactive or mind-altering effects. Luckily for New York Democrats, those under 21 are still trusted to vote.

• According to a newly published study, Greenland’s rapidly melting ice sheet will eventually raise global sea level by at least 10.6 inches. But a group of female scientists say there’s no need to panic, as men tend to exaggerate when measuring in inches.