#5

August 01, 2021

Crier Quotes

"If anyone asks, I'll tell 'em I didn't see anything."- Stevie Wonder

Feature

Man Fights Off Intruders Wearing “Meat Claws”

The Lede:

Resident dad and self-proclaimed “grill master” Dan Higgins slashed his way into local folklore Thursday night as he fought off a trio of home intruders with a pair of meat claws.

Start from the top

Woken by his wife Julie when she heard a loud thud, Dan was told to “check it out.” Dan, as was his obligation as a husband, replied “It’s nothing, go back to sleep.” Julie countered with “check. it. out.” - this time sternly and with the eyes of a woman ready to hold back sex if need be. Faced with what he called “the nuclear option,” Dan had no choice but to shuffle out of the bedroom adorned in a Whitesnake concert tee and what he called his “sleeping shorts” which in his own words “has a hole in a place that makes it easy for ‘Peter and the Pauls’ to make an unexpected appearance."

Go on

Dan saw the flashlights before he heard the sounds of hushed voices and shuffling furniture. He side-stepped into the kitchen. Eyes darting, looking for something to use - spatula? no. rolling pin? maybe. Then he saw them - his Grill Sergeant Meat Claws. He had told his daughter Sally to put them away earlier, but after blacking out on TikTok for fun, she had forgotten.

Then what?

"Showtime” as Dan told investigators. From his own account, Dan stood in the doorway - “where do you think you’re going with that?” he said. The trio turned, couch in hand, to see Dan - a silhouette - claws down and out at his sides. “You want to tango old man?” said the ring leader brandishing a switchblade. “Tango?” said Dan, “I prefer the Foxtrot!” Then, letting out a guttural bellow, Dan lunged. This is where Dan told investigators he loses consciousness. When he came to, he was on all fours. He was panting. His claws were soaked in blood. He could hear the fleeing of the three punks as they scrambled through the backyard. Only a severed pinky remained - a trophy of victory.

A hero walks among us.

When word of the incident got out, it circulated to a neighbor who “knows a guy” who got Dan a custom made “protect this house” UnderArmor apron. Dan has since grown out side burns, picked up smoking cigars, and insists on calling people “Bub.” He also likes reminding his two daughters at every opportunity that he “has a very particular set of skills.”

Guide Book

The Town Crier's 4 Tips to Being a Better Parent

Being a parent is hard. Here are four things to keep in mind, especially for young first-timers:

1. Use small gloves so children will believe your hands are huge. Children respect a person’s hands - especially ones that are bigger than theirs.

2. If you ever see a child wielding a knife, you’ve done something wrong.

3. FLOATIES DON’T WORK. It is a fact that 100% of people who have grown up with access to a pool know someone in their family who’s experienced a flotation malfunction.

4. If there is laughter, there is trouble. Usually one has taught the other something bad: including but not limited to words or gestures. If they’re laughing really hard, it’s likely that one of them has taught the other how to make something explode.

Miscellaneous

  • A new report claims it costs more to get a woman’s attention on the internet than a mans - “You don’t say” said the girl selling energy drinks in a thong.

  • According to Bloomberg, this summer’s hottest trend is booze infused ice-cream. Which means this time its not auto-correct - your friend really is banana splitfaced

  • In an Axios poll, Donald Trump Jr lead a field of key GOP figures in net favorability among Republican voters. After being shown two pictures side-by-side and asked which they’d rather have lead the country, Don Jr posted a +55 favorability between him and a dumpster fire. Eric, on the other hand, was not so lucky - scoring -78 when voters were given the choice between him and a blind raccoon.

  • McCormick recalled three of its seasoning spices this week. When the news was reported in the Wall Street Journal, it confused white people - who had never heard of seasoning their food.

  • Google’s latest Play store update is banning “sugar daddy” apps as part of its new sexual misconduct restrictions. Now, wealthy older men who want to connect with young women will have to do so the old fashioned way - by knowing Bill Clinton.