#6

Crier Quotes

“I’ll see you f*ckers in hell!!”- Amelia Earhart

Feature

Not All Heroes Strap On Capes

The Lede:

Are you on the fence about getting the vaccine? Are you a pathetic piece of scum that needs to be punished? Does Dr. Fauci demanding tighter "restrictions" send a tingling sensation to your nethers? If you've answered yes to any or all of these, listen up! Rolling Stone reports dominatrixes are now requiring proof of vaccination in order to enter their dungeons - one domme telling Rolling Stone, "I specialize in toilet play, and I can’t do it with people who are unvaccinated."

You had me at Fauci

Since tablet one of the Epic of Gilgamesh when it is arranged for the primitive Enkidu to be seduced by the temple prostitute Shamhat and subsequently "civilized" by her hand over the course of a two week sexcathalon, women have wielded their sexuality over men as a means of bringing the world to order.

Everything that we take for granted today is owed a debt of gratitued to the dominant women with whips who bludgeoned it out of their subservient male inventors. Think about it, unless someone tried doing it to you, would you have thought to milk a cow?

Now we've come to yet another cross-roads in society. A disease has ravaged the world for nearly two years, and it appears it is once again time for iron stilettos to step on our necks, spit in our faces, and set us straight.  

How are people ... uh ... taking it?

Exactly as you would expect. We spoke with Mistress Minerva of  San Antonio, Texas, who told us she hasn't heard a single submissive utter as much as a stifled whimper about the new policy, but she attributes that to the fact that most submissives are already registered democrats.

"It's the closeted republican submissive you worry about," says Minerva, "You know the type - tax accountants, ice road truckers, NBA referees - they're the real problem. Because you can chastise them all you want about how they're the reason the world is sh*t and assert that their not worthy to enter your dungeon, but that'll just get them off even more."  

Does it look like the policy is gaining traction?

You bet. Social media is ablaze with support with the hashtag #SpanktheSpread trending across all major platforms as submissives and dommes alike share their reasons for getting the shot.

"If you can't take a prick on the arm, how on earth do you think you'll handle getting kicked in the d**k?" one post read.  

"Want a ball-gag? Get an arm jab," read another.

But it was one of Mistress Minerva's submissives wearing a full latex dog helmet and leash chained to a water heater who put it perfectly, telling us, "Mmmhhmm mmhhhmm mm huum mmhhhuumm, muh mhunm hmum mmph mph mumhf." And you can't argue with that.

Charts and Graphs

Sometimes words aren't enough.

Miscellaneous

• From Axios, a new policy paper from the German Marshall Fund proposes a full revamp of the Corporations of Public Broadcasting to fund a “PBS for the internet.” In the spirit of what the internet has become, the new service will be called the Public Internet Streaming System - or - PISS.

• A Wisconsin man who has held the Guinness World Record for lifetime Big Mac consumption had his record updated with his latest total: 32,342.  As his total of Big Macs consumed increases, the man gets ever closer to his life’s goal of becoming Jabba the Hut. The man said the best part about his Big Mac consumption is the fact that medically speaking he can now use his blood as motor oil.

• Amateur Astronomer, Kai Ly, has discovered a new moon that orbits Jupiter. After the discovery, Ly has to loose just two more friends to become a professional.

• On instagram, rap artist Big Sean revealed he grew two inches in the last year from going to the chiropractor which he said gave him a straighter spine. In his post, Big Sean said he wants to spread the word on the benefits of a straighter spine - which explains why he tagged all the members of congress.

• Two years after New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s arrest, a Florida judge has agreed to the destruction of the massage room video featuring Kraft.  The judge’s decision is rooted in the belief that everyone deserves a happy ending.

• In an interview with Vanity Fair, Jake Gyllenhaal has joined the ranks of celebrities denouncing the need to shower every day. Gyllenhaal said, “there’s a whole world of not bathing that is really helpful for the skin, and we naturally clean ourselves.” Gyllenhaal accepted the interview as a means to promote his working with Prada on releasing a new fragrance which they’re calling “placebo.”

• The filming of HBO’s limited series The White House Plumbers was suspended this week after an altercation between the director and a member of the prop department ended in the quitting of the entire department in protest. Insiders say the dispute was over whether or not the plumbers would show a natural or prosthetic crack.