#72

Crier Quotes

“I’ve never lost musical chairs.”- Rosa Parks

Feature

After First Week of NCAA Tournament, George Santos Reports Bracket Still Perfect

WASHINGTON D.C. — Before the tournament began, the odds of picking a perfect bracket were 1 in 9,223,372,036,854,775,808. As the first week of games finished, all seemed lost as millions around the country tore up their busted brackets: but, against all odds, the dream remains alive as New York Congressman George Santos reports his bracket remains perfect. Santos says his ability to pick winners comes from his intimate knowledge of the teams and their players — as many of them, he says, are his children. “A father knows,” said Santos after the shocking upset of one-seed Purdue by sixteen-seed Fairleigh Dickinson. Besides siring most of the athletes, Santos said his position as an alumnus from 83 of the 64 teams gave him further insight. For many, Princeton was a bracket buster, but not Santos: “I had to pick Princeton to advance to at least the Sweet 16. I mean, it’s hard to root against a school you founded.” The Congressman said he is looking forward to watching the remaining games of the tournament as he looks to stay perfect for the 91st consecutive year.

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Man Celebrating St. Patrick’s Day Has Stomach Pumped After “Mixing In” Too Many Waters

BOSTON — A man celebrating St. Patrick’s Day was rushed to the hospital early Friday evening for an emergency stomach pump for what paramedics said was mixing in too many waters. “Every year, there’s always one,” said the head of Emergency Medicine at Tufts Medical Center, Jeannette Yardley, “Some poor schmuck who thinks it’s funny on St. Patrick’s Day to have one too many waters and bloat themselves to oblivion. Never fails.” After they removed the water, a nurse gave the man a pint of Guinness, a prickleback shot, and a pack of saltines. He later rejoined his fellow partygoers, who welcomed him back to the festivities by pouring him a funnel of unidentifiable green liquid from a plastic gallon milk jug adorned with a stipe of masking tape labeled “XXX.”

Miscellaneous

• The latest fashion trend is “going pantsless.” The look is a well-put-together top half with nothing but underwear beneath. Trendsetters have named the look “the zoom call.”

• According to research, around 80% of Americans have at least one sibling — and those relationships are typically the longest-lasting ones in our lives. Over the course of our lives, siblings are the ones we learn our earliest and most valuable lessons from — like how to fly a kite and when to “stop hitting yourself.”

• An African serval cat was found with cocaine in its system during a traffic stop and has been sent to the Cincinnati Zoo. Authorities say the cat will remain at the zoo for a year but could get out early with good behavior.

• Former President Donald Trump said Saturday that he expects to be arrested this coming week by the Manhattan district attorney's office. The former president said he’s not too worried about the outcome because even in the worst-case scenario he said, “I look good in orange.”

• A new study suggests drinking in the months prior to pregnancy "may alter the face of your child." They say it can change a baby's face so much that it can even look like a close friend of the father.

• Kraft Singles took inspiration from the viral “Cheese Tax” song and created a limited-edition "Cheese Tax Pack" for you and your pup. Jumping on the trend of sharing snacks with your pup, Skippy is launching new two-pack peanut butter balls.

• According to Vice news, conspiracy theorists are setting up their own dating sites — or are they?

• A member of a school board in Kansas faced calls to resign after saying that the best quality a new superintendent could have is “blue eyes.” She then went on to add, “with a full head of hair and broad shoulders, and big, strong hands, he’s sensitive but masculine, listens well, and gets along with your father, a good boy but a bad bay when he needs to be, you can rely on him to pick you up at the airport, and he knows how to give it to mama when she needs it.” She was then asked to put down the bottle of wine.

• According to a new survey, 20 percent of Americans say what they regret most about moving is that they didn’t “get rid of more stuff.” The female respondents then looked at their boyfriends and sighed.

• After becoming a grandfather last week, Bill Gates says he’s going to step up his charitable giving to children’s organizations. The announcement is seen as a huge step for Gates, who’ll make financial commitments involving children for the first time without the help of Jeffery Epstein.

Shameless Plugs

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