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“Sit still, damn it, or the diaper won’t fit right!”- Dr. Jill Biden 

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Disturbing: 100% of 29-Year-Olds Diagnosed With Turning 30

PHILADELPHIA, PA — The unfathomable became the inevitable Wednesday as medical researchers from the University of Pennsylvania diagnosed 100% of 29-year-olds will turn 30.

“Prognosis? In a word, negative,” said lead researcher Dr. Roy Kinkade, “We’ve spent countless hours pouring over the data — double-, even triple-checking the figures, but we’re continually brought back to a singular conclusion.” Based on the team’s findings, Kinkade predicts that by mid-summer, 50% of those who began the year at 29 will have crossed over.  

“From what we know, 30 begins to develop in the auditory cortex of the temporal lobe — the first sign of trouble is during a night out when the infected asks the question ‘is it loud in here?’” says Dr. Patricia Clarke-Ennis. “From there, it spreads to a section of the posterior superior temporal lobe, known as Wernicke's area, this area is responsible for recognition of language — the late 29-year-old loses the ability to comprehend the rapidly changing slang — often taking the meaning of words too literal. Lastly, while these areas of the brain shrink, we’ve noticed an overdevelopment of the hippocampus, associated with memory, that traps the 29-year-old in fantasies of ‘the good old days.’”  

Currently, there is no treatment for the condition — neither preventative nor regenerative — which is why those who have already crossed the threshold implore those who’ve yet to succumb to take advantage of what little time they may have left. “Live! Dammit, live!” said recently 30-year-old Bianca Hall. “Cherish every moment, hold your favorite jeans close to you, have all of the dairy. All of it. And for the love of god, ask that guy out already.”

Turning 30 impacts everyone differently, and researchers say the effects may manifest in ways physical, mental, and emotional. In the months before turning 30, females will often make a drastic hairstyle or wardrobe change. In extreme instances, they may discard all modes of communication, buy a one-way ticket to Lima, take up residence with a local lover, join a drum circle, and “become one with the energy of all living things.” Historically, males have made ridiculous motor vehicle purchases, either motorcycle or pickup truck, while some return to their alma mater fraternity house unannounced and call next game at the beer pong table — although, somewhere within the last three to five years, researchers say a seismic shift took place in the behavioral pattern of nearing 30 males wherein those suffering opted for starting a podcast.  

With the help of friends and family, many learn to accept their condition gracefully, but some fight to hang on. Desperately, they’ll cling to the vestiges of their youth. They may even begin adopting the vernacular of the young, often mispronouncing and misusing common words and phrases. Researchers say the best thing that younger friends and relatives can do is cut them loose, letting them slowly drift to the other side — like the ceremonial Inuit senicide where elders are placed on a sheet of ice and pushed out to sea. “The longer you allow things to drag on, the sadder it gets,” says Dr. Kinkade. “When they’re so close to the end, you just want to make them as comfortable as possible. What’s important is that you remember them how they used to be, not how they are now. It’s what they would want.” 

At the printing of this newsletter, millions celebrating their 29th birthday had been diagnosed, terminal within 365 days. 

Miscellaneous

• According to economists, construction jobs are available, but workers are scarce. It’s gotten so bad at some job sites that they’ve resorted to “dog calling” where they try recruiting by complimenting strong-looking men as they pass by.

• In an interview with GQ, Apple CEO Tim Cook says he gets up at 5 am to read customer feedback — Then, at 7 am, he sends emails to those who wrote negatively about him a screenshot of their browser history. 

• Walmart will add EV charging stations at thousands of its stores by 2030 — By then, Walmart hopes its shoppers will be able to afford them. 

• A woman who was ticketed on grounds of breaching a state law concerning the misuse of car horns after honking in support of an anti-Trump protest has lost a lawsuit arguing that her actions should have been protected political speech. The U.S. Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit ruled against her, saying the First Amendment doesn’t protect Californians using their vehicles’ horns to express a political point. While honking your horn is not protected political speech, the court maintains that drivers will always be protected when honking if they’re horny. 

• The factories responsible for producing fortune cookies say they’ve turned to ChatGPT to come up with new fortunes. Customers are already saying the new fortunes are surprisingly accurate with one man who recently moved in with his girlfriend reading, “You will soon leave the dishes in the sink and pay the ultimate price.”

• Fed up by an enormous pothole in his Los Angeles neighborhood, Arnold Schwarzenegger picked up a shovel and filled it himself. The actor and former California governor tweeted a video Tuesday of him and a helper using packaged concrete to repair the road in the Brentwood area. Said Schwarzenegger, “ahhahggfuiaegyruoafdagfhdakfvdyabgaoylfdhuaud.”

• Tesla is expanding operations in China with plans to build a mega factory in Shanghai. Tesla executives say they’re hoping the factory will attract the best and brightest China has to offer — which is why they’ll only be accepting applications from the most prestigious elementary schools. 

• The Dalai Lama apologized on Monday after a video emerged of the Tibetan religious leader kissing a young boy on the lips and asking him to "suck [his] tongue." In his defense, the Dalai Lama said, in another life he was a catholic priest. 

• Saturday marked the 158th anniversary of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassination. Historians say before he left for the theater Lincoln wrote a letter to his childhood friend that ended with “Mary is dragging me to another play tonight — Kill me — jk lol. Stay blessed, Abe.”

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