Crier Quotes

“For me? You shouldn’t have.”- Clarence Thomas 

Feature

A Cry for Help: Man Gets Table for One at Golden Corral 

OXNARD, CA — Concerns for a man’s well-being were raised at a local Golden Corral after Brett Hall, 48, arrived at the all-you-can-eat establishment and ordered a table for one. “I thought he was kidding at first,” said hostess Abigail White, “in fact, I audibly laughed. But when I saw the emptiness behind his eyes, a deep and profound sadness washed over me.” 

“I knew things were bad when Carrol left, but, Jesus, I . . . I had no idea,” said longtime friend Jordan Anderson, who arrived on the scene following a call from management that Hall was openly weeping into his mashed potatoes. 

Fathers did all they could at nearby tables to shield their children from the sight of Hall as he passed by with multiple plates piled high with carving station bone-in turkey, baked fish, dumplings, and pizza atop mounds of base-layer homestyle stuffing, fried ravioli, and refried beans. “My daughter is five,” said Craig Adams, who sat in the booth opposite Hall, “that’s too early to start therapy.”  

At the printing of this newsletter, Hall was seen visibly drunk, in boxer shorts and a bathrobe, entering a Chuck-E-Cheese and submerging himself into the ball pit. 

Miscellaneous

• According to The Atlantic, we all have our own home slang — little quirks, nicknames and inside jokes accumulated over years of living together known as familect, or family dialect — Researchers say home slang crosses both socioeconomic and racial divides with one of the most common home slang being, “C’mere you little sh*t!”

• McDonald’s announced Monday plans to improve a variety of menu items and said it’ll be bringing back the Hamburglar. You may remember the Hamburglar “retired” after pictures surfaced of him sandwiched between Clinton and Gates on Epstien’s Jet. 

• According to a new Pew Research analysis, husbands spend an average of 3½ hours more than their wives per week on leisure activities. Pew says it’s a phenomenon known as “golf.”   

• The Bidens released their tax returns for 2022 and showed that they made less money than they did the year before. Apparently, the Bidens lost hundreds of thousands this year because changes in the tax code meant they were no longer able to claim Hunter’s nose as a dependent. 

• The makers of Hard Mountain Dew hosted a party in Florida for residents living in a retirement community as part of a launch event to promote its new Livewire flavor. When asked about the party, members of the retirement home say their memory is a bit fuzzy, but they do vaguely recall at one point hearing someone yell “CLEAR!”

• Carnival Cruise Line has banned two passengers for life after they were caught fishing off their balcony. A spokesperson for Carnival said the cruise line prohibits passengers from catching anything other than crabs. 

• Disneyland will host its first official Pride Nite this year to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community and allies. Disneyland After Dark: Pride Nite will be held on two nights in June to coincide with Pride Month, and rumors have already begun circulating that the after dark event will feature Goofy in a fishnet Mankini with his butt cheeks spray painted “legislate this.” 

Shameless Plug

Your glass could always be half full with the help of Flaviar

Discover Fine Drinks from Craft to Big Brands

Founded in 2012, Flaviar is the world’s largest premium spirits club, with operations in the US and Europe. Flaviar offers a better way to experience fine spirits.

Order Now