Crier Quotes

“Now, I’m not usually a crier, but I’ll admit I was a puddle at the end of The Iron Giant.”- Payton Manning 

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Aaron Rodgers Signing with NY Jets Technically Charity Tax Write-Off

NEW YORK — During his introductory press conference Wednesday, Aaron Rodgers cleared up any confusion surrounding his stunning move to the struggling NY Jets clarifying the trade was made solely for tax purposes — as the IRS technically considers Rogers’ playing for the Jets charity work.

"I did the math, and it just made sense," Rodgers explained to the packed room of reporters, “If I were to play for a team that had a chance to win next year, it would cost me millions in luxury tax. But by giving back with the Jets, my entire salary is a write-off.”

Rodgers’ move has the sports world buzzing. “I’ve been covering the arena of sports for a long time now, I started as a beat writer, sleeping under the bleachers of a middle school gymnasium, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that I have never seen a player sign with a team solely for the purposes of maximizing their charitable deductions,” said ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith, “It's a move that shows signs of intelligence the likes of which we have yet to see. It cements him in the pantheon of tax legends alongside the likes of Capone and the dominant Dr. Donald J. He’s clearly operating outside the realm of the ethereal — moving four-dimensionally. The man just knows how to play the game within the game — While everyone else in the league is playing checkers, this brother is playing Parcheesi.”

Jets Head Coach, Robert Saleh, said Rogers “just gets it” and making this move proves he’s about more than achieving personal accolades, “Most guys would’ve made the move to a place where they could easily pad their personal stats, but not Aaron. It doesn’t matter to him that he could’ve gone somewhere else, thrown for more yards and TD, and won games — and possibly another Super Bowl — but that would only serve himself and his legacy. As a member of this football team, Aaron is choosing to be more than a football player.”

“Over the last 19 years, the game has given me so much,” said Rodgers, “and when you’ve had a run as I have, it makes the moments when you get a chance to work with the underprivileged mean so much more. It really helps put life in perspective.”

Sources say his foundation, Rogers’ Pockets, will receive over $100 million from the Jets in 2023 in return for his deductible services.

Miscellaneous

• This week both Don Lemon and Tucker Carlson were fired from their anchor positions at their respective networks. And just to show you how fast the entertainment industry moves, it has been reported that Netflix has already optioned the rights to a documentary chronicling the downfall of each in a series titled “A Tale of Two Shities”

• According to reports, Fox News has a secret file of damaging info on Tucker Carlson in case he starts trashing the network. Rumor has it the file contains images of Carlson nude at the office Christmas party showing everyone why they call him “Tucker.”

• Delaware is now the 22nd state to legalize marijuana after a recent bill passed without a veto from the Governor. Lawmakers in Delaware said they decided to make marijuana legal because they felt it was time residents of Delaware had something to do. 

• Ikea is planning a $2.2 billion expansion in the US over the next three years, its largest investment in a single country ever. Executives at Ikea say the expansion will include what they’re calling “the money maker” — an all-new post-checkout department for couples therapy. 

• Scientists have developed a robot that can detect smells. After smelling its first fart the robot stared off into the middle distance and whispered, “God is dead.” 

• A study released in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that the labels on sleepy-time gummies frequently misrepresent the amount of melatonin they contain. The FDA is considering changing its labeling requirements — asking companies to replace percentages with a sliding scale of how sleepy the gummy will make you ranging from 1 to Cosby. 

• According to new data from the CDC, adult cigarette smoking in the U.S. dropped to an all-time low last year. The CDC had projected the number to be much higher but then they remembered it doesn’t count when you’re drunk. 

• New York City’s MTA said it would stop posting service updates on Twitter, saying the platform was “no longer reliable.” Adding “that’s OUR thing.”

• According to new data from the CDC, adult cigarette smoking in the U.S. dropped to an all-time low last year. The CDC had projected the number to be much higher but then they remembered it doesn’t count when you’re drunk. 

• Engineers develop robotic gripper that adjusts reflexively to grasp objects — Engineers say the gripper will revolutionize loneliness. 

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