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- #78
#78
Crier Quotes
“Then, on the seventh day, I rested.”- George Santos
Feature
Fashion Executives Incensed Over Drop in Production Levels Due to Younger Sweatshop Workers Observing “Bare Minimum Mondays”
GUANGDONG PROVINCE, CHINA — At a joint press conference held this week by Nike, Levi Strauss, Gap, Tommy Hilfiger, and Abercrombie and Fitch, executives expressed their displeasure with current production levels and forecasted output for Q2 as more and more sweatshop workers observe “bare minimum Mondays.”
“I’m just going to say what everyone here is thinking: this younger generation just doesn’t want to put in the work,” said Nike executive John Donahoe. “They all want to get paid to sit around on their phones and TikTok each other. I remember the days when we had to attach nets to the outside of the factories to catch the workers when they’d try hurling themselves to their death after a nineteen hour shift with no air-conditioning in the middle of August. Those were the days.”
Executives at Americas most prominent clothing companies blame the production drop on the new generation of forced Uyghur labor’s significantly different mindset than generations past. The hustle culture that used to permeate the factory floor has been replaced with an emphasis on “self-care” and “mental health.”
Chief People Officer at Gap, Shelia Peters, lamented the days when an eight-year-old would take pride in stitching fabric to be worn by other eight-year-olds, stating, “the ‘ME’ generation strikes again!”
Tracy Lainey of Levi Strauss attributed much of the shift in work culture to the pandemic. “We’ve noticed since the end of the pandemic, the fire hasn’t been there — metaphorically, that is. Luckily, actual fires in the factories is still a very real possibility. But workers got used to sweatshopping from home. Some even started from home and have never set foot in an actual sweatshop before, so they’ve just never had that experience.” Avery Baker of Tommy Hilfiger agrees, saying remote sewing has created distance between the workers, at the detriment to younger employees who have lost critical bonding opportunities. She added, “When a complaining worker gets made an example of on the factory floor, it really brings the group together.”
At the printing of this newsletter, executives were furious to find out that a video “You better not act like you’re in a Wes Anderson film while sewing” had gone viral.
Miscellaneous
Residents in a New Jersey town are looking for answers after more than 500 pounds worth of cooked pasta was found dumped by a woodland stream. What’s strange about it, say New Jerseyans, is dumping a mound of pasta in the woods is an act usually reserved for October during the annual hunt for the Gaba Ghoul.
The Washington Post reports pinkeye might be a symptom of a new coronavirus subvariant. The Posts urges those who have the pinkeye variant to protect members of their community by wearing a mask at both ends.
Vermont has become the first state to drop a residency requirement for medically assisted suicide, allowing terminally ill people from out-of-state to take advantage of the offering. The move is all part of Governor Phil Scott’s plan to make “on vacation in Vermont” the official answer to the question, “Dad, where’s grandma?”
In a recent interview, Nicolas Cage claimed that although it sounds "really far out," his earliest memory is of being in his mother's womb — “I don't know if it's real or not, but sometimes I think I can go all the way back to in utero and feeling like I could see faces in the dark or something.” That story again, Nicolas Cage recently discovers dreams.
Per the Associated Press, discarded joints may pose a hazard for dogs. The AP says they began looking into the dangers of dogs ingesting marijuana after numerous owners reported their dogs asking them if they “ever feel like we’re all just chasing our tails?”
A black bear gave a West Virginia principal a shock when it emerged — growling and roaring — moments after he opened the dumpster outside his elementary school. When asked how he so easily got away, the principal said, “please, outrunning a bear is nothing once you get used to outrunning bullets.”
The Department of Labor has fined three McDonald’s franchisees in Kentucky for employing more than 300 children, with one franchisee having two 10-year-olds working at its locations, without pay, as late as 2 A.M. Even worse, they only got two fifteen minute cigarette breaks.
Meanwhile in Florida . . . Where The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction
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