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- #79
#79
Crier Quotes
“I have a lot of close friends. Most of them are spiders.”- Clay Aiken
Feature
Anheuser-Busch Makes Amends for Bud Light Partnership with New Tall Boy Can Featuring Heterosexual Clydesdale Sex — Kid Rock Approves
ST. LOUIS, MO — After their first attempt at rectifying their March Madness misstep received a tepid response, Anheuser-Busch has taken further measures to heal the wounds caused by its partnership with Dylan Mulvaney. This week, the company unveiled a new tall boy can that features images of heterosexual clydesdale sex — drawing the coveted approval of Kid Rock.
A spokesperson for the beer maker claims that this new can serves as both an act of contrition and an affirmation that the company will never veer outside its designated lane again. The can will depict images of the clydesdales at all stages of their endeavor — As drinkers rapidly spin the can, they will witness the images appear to move, resembling a zoetrope animation, as the male clydesdale mounts, penetrates, and pumps, with eyes bulging triumphantly at the moment he “wins the Derby.”
Shortly after the launch of the clydesdale cans, Kid Rock posted a video accepting Anheuser-Busch’s apology, which after initially appearing on Fox and Friends, ran uninterrupted on the network for 72 hours. The video begins with a close up of Kid Rock’s face as he tell the camera with a smile, “I knew you’d come to your senses . . . And now . . . It’s time to ride these ponies.”
The scene then expands to reveal two paper-thin, large-breasted women in bikinis. Each woman pours a Clydesdale can into a funnel, while Kid Rock kneels before it, eagerly consuming the beer. The video then pans to a firing squad of men in Oakley sunglasses, who brandish AR-15s, discharging rounds aimlessly into the air. Simultaneously, a pair of dirt bikes backflip over a seven bus gap, as red, white, and blue fireworks illuminate the sky. All the while, a choir dressed in all white belts America the Beautiful.
At the printing of this newsletter, Anheuser-Busch had apparently “stepped in it again,” when they suggested that their beer could also be enjoyed by black people.
Miscellaneous
Today is Mother’s Day — Or as its known to Nick Cannon, Baby Mama’s Day.
A jury found Donald Trump liable for sexual abuse and defamation, awarding E. Jean Carroll $5 million in damages — roughly 2 million per inch.
The Bureau of Labor Statistics reported Wednesday that Inflation edged down to an annual rate of 4.9 percent in April from 5.0 percent in March. The Bureau says while inflation is easing throughout various sectors of the economy, it remains rampant in one area — dating profile height.
At the age of 79, Robert De Niro revealed he welcomed his seventh child earlier this week. When asked how the newborn will impact his life, the 79 year old said not much will change as he’s already buying diapers.
Wendy's is selling its Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers for 1 cent to celebrate national hamburger month. Customers say while the promotion is great, many say the the timing is off — as the month we usually celebrate meat between buns is June.
Meanwhile in Florida . . . Where The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction
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