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“YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!! YAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOO!!!”- Sen. Dianne Feinstein

Feature

Family Wins Hot Chicken Nugget Suit Against McDonald’s with Help of Jackie Chiles 

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL — McDonald’s was found liable by a jury for a hot chicken nugget that fell out of a Happy Meal and caused second-degree burns on a young girl’s leg. The case was won on behalf of the plaintiffs by famed attorney at law Jackie Chiles, Esq.

"The facts of the case are simple — McDonald’s cooks chickens, not children,” said Chiles in his opening statement. “And correct me if I’m wrong, but a Happy Meal is supposed to make a child smile, not sizzle. Lady’s and Gentlemen of the jury, this level of negligence on behalf of the defense is atrocious, ferocious, egregious, outrageous!” thundered Chiles. “They’ve turned this sweet, poor, defenseless and — might I add — previously unblemished child into something you might find in a Ripley’s Believe It or Not! It’s Dishonorable, Deplorable, Despicable, Disgraceful!”

The defense argued that the food had to be hot to avoid salmonella poisoning, and that the nuggets were not meant to be pressed between a seat belt and human flesh for more than two minutes. But Chiles refuted this charge, dispatching the claim by looking directly at the female jurors, saying, “I think we all know how quick two minutes can be, don’t we?”

During final arguments, Chiles sealed the deal by playing an audio recording of the child’s screams before concluding, “The only thing we need serving in this courtroom is justice — with a side of fries.”

At the printing of this newsletter, Chiles had reportedly taken up another high-profile case. This time claiming liability for medical bills, future loss of income, emotional distress, and pain and suffering against Tesla Motors after a Tesla Model S’ spontaneous explosion sent its steering wheel rocketing through the air, making direct contact with his client — Cosmo Kramer.

Miscellaneous

• This week, a Colorado man allegedly tried to avoid a DUI by swapping seats with his dog during a traffic stop. The pair were taken into custody and charged with being “very bad boys.”

• According to Bustle, the new official first date meal is a charcuterie board. It’s perfect for making a good first impression — because unlike some other options, women say charcuterie doesn’t threaten to char-shoot-out-of-you unexpectedly.

• According to the Associated Press, kids’ reading scores have soared in Deep South states — apparently, children read better with a gun to their head. 

• An Australian strongman added a fourth Guinness World Records title to his name by using his bare hands to spin a Ferris wheel around in 16 minutes and 55 seconds. After completing the feat, the strongman told reporters he thinks he’s finally ready to take on his greatest challenge yet, as he attempts to spend hours sitting in a chair tackling his inner demons. 

• Dancers at the Star Garden Topless Dive Bar in North Hollywood have won their legal battle and will become the first unionized group of strippers in the United States. The strippers said the ability to unionize will lead to receiving higher pay and benefits that’ll finally allow them to leave their day jobs as teachers. 

Meanwhile in Florida . . . Where The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

Naked Florida Man Attacks People At Miami Gym

Florida Man Gets Arrested After Throwing Deli Meat At Police

Police Chase Man Driving Stolen Fire Truck Across Three Counties

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