#81

May 28, 2023

Crier Quotes

“I have a lot of close friends. Most of them are spiders.”- Clay Aiken 

Feature

Surgeon General Rethinks Harmfulness of Social Media After Report Receives Thousands of Likes, Retweets, Comments, and Shares

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, Tuesday issued a new advisory warning of the mental health effects of social media on young people, only to later rethink the advisory after seeing it receive thousands of likes, retweets, comments, and shares online. 

“We are in the middle of a national youth mental health crisis, and I am concerned that . . . wait, how many? Oh my . . . that . . . that’s like so many. Wow, I gotta sit down” said Dr. Murthy as he was informed of the incredible volume of responses received by his announcement — the validating rush of serotonin flooding his brainstem, causing him to momentarily pass out. 

“I’m sorry, where was I?” said Dr. Murthy when he regained consciousness, “Oh, yeah. . . Social media use may cause and perpetuate body image issues, affect eating behaviors and sleep quality, and lead to social comparison and low self est– OH MY GOD, it just keeps going up! Are you seeing this?! They love me! They really love me!! Maybe it’s not social media. Maybe you losers just need to post better content! I’M NEVER GOING TO DIE!!!” 

At the printing of this newsletter, Surgeon General Murthy was seen lying in the fetal position, shaking from withdrawals, mere minutes after the heavy stream of likes, retweets, comments, and shares slowed and eventually stopped.

Miscellaneous

  • More than at any other time, Airline passengers are finding themselves sitting next to other people's pets. The proliferation of dogs on planes does pose a sanitary hazard and is the primary reason they no longer allow you to go through security with a jar of peanut butter. 

  • A new competitive gaming campus opened at Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio. The gaming center, called Esix Gaming, features 50 PCs, a competition stage with 10 additional PCs, a broadcast booth with streaming capabilities, 10 consoles and 0 women. 

  • The NAACP issued a travel advisory over the weekend cautioning Black and gay or trans tourists that Florida is openly hostile toward African Americans, people of color and LGBTQ+ individuals. “Don’t forget Migrants!” Added DeSantis.  

  • A new study revealed that, for the first time, scientists have recorded brain signals of chronic pain in patients. The study was conducted by recording the volume and severity of pain signals registered in the brain while the subject listened to their spouse. 

  • Engineers have built the first house made from concrete blended with disposable diapers. The build is a true testament of engineering craftsmanshit.  

  • Texas lawmakers voted against requiring the Ten Commandments be posted in every classroom in the state. Many in the legislature felt it was crossing the separation of church and state line, but those in favor say posting the commandments was more so to remind the shooter thou shall not kill. 

Meanwhile in Florida . . . Where The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

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