Crier Quotes

“Yeah, I’m gonna need a lot more room at the inseam”- Wolf Blitzer 

Feature

Pilot Gets Over First Commercial Flight Jitters by Washing Down Three Xanax with Fifth of Jack Daniels 

LAGUARDIA — Wiping his mouth after polishing off a double Long Island Iced Tea at LaGuardia Airport’s Chili’s-to-Go, Spirit Airlines’s rookie pilot Jake Ramsdale finally calmed his nerves before taking the helm of his first commercial flight with the help of three Xanax pills washed down with fifth of Jack Daniels. 

“Gooooooooooooooooood morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard. This is your Cap’n, Jack Sparrow — I mean Jake Ramsdale speaking — just letting you know we’ll be take’n you up up up into the big blue soon. Hopefully, we’ll be up there for a while before touching back down in Sioux City— Sorry, St. Louis — ha, could you imagine? Lol. Uuuhhhh, where was I? Oh, yeah. Conditions look pretty good right now. But I’ll keep you posted if any of these blinky lights start acting funny. Now, once we get up in the clouds, I’ll try to find us a pack of geese, or condors, or something to draft behind. That way, we save a little on gas — because, from the looks of things, we are dangerously low right now. AAAAAAAAAnyways, thank you for choosing Spirit, and as always, remember to keep your arms and legs inside the ve*hiccup* at all times. Sparrow out.”

Before takeoff, Ramsdale reportedly told his co-pilot, Sandy Horowitz, he felt much better knowing that in the case of an emergency, there was someone else on board who “had their wings” after seeing a passenger board with an emotional support peacock.

At the printing of this newsletter, sources onboard say they saw Ramsdale turn the “no smoking” sign off before heading to the bathroom to spark up a fat joint.

Miscellaneous

• 83-year-old Al Pacino confirmed this week that he and his 29-year-old girlfriend Noor Alfallah are expecting a baby — “A 29-year-old? That’s disgusting,” said Leonardo DiCaprio. 

• The Los Angeles Times reports a Pixar-themed hotel is coming to Disneyland Resort. With fun for the whole family, the hotel will feature the all-new live-action guest experience — A Bed Bug’s Life.

• The Georgia Department of Driver Services reminded residents taking advantage of the state's new digital driver's licenses and IDs to “Please take pictures with your clothes on” — However, female residents argue the photos will help reduce the need for getting out of the car during DUI traffic stops by proving they’re the DD. 

• According to the Wall Street Journal, gamblers lost almost $1 billion at blackjack tables in Las Vegas last year. The Journal says you could easily tell someone lost big at blackjack when you find them still saying “hit me” while walking into traffic.

• Dodgers announce ‘Christian Faith and Family Day’ after Pride Night fallout. According to the announcement, the event will take place during a game between the Dodgers and Cincinnati Reds — although Christian fans said they’d rather see the Padres.  

• Scientists have confirmed that remains extracted from Dinosaur Cove, Australia, are 107 million-year-old pterosaur bones — The scientists who made the discovery say the unprecedented finding could have up to no impact on your life. 

• The sister of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un announced the country will press forward with the launch of a second spy satellite. A senior advisor to the royal palace said the next step is to explain to the family the definitions of “announce” and “spy.”  

Meanwhile in Florida . . . Where The Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

Man Barges into Fort Myers Home While Family Eats Dinner, Claims He’s a Ghost

An Elusive Cat 'Terrorizing' a Florida Neighborhood Has Sent 2 Injured People to the Emergency Room

Florida Man Arrested After Allegedly Pouring Gas on Another Man and Lighting Him on Fire

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