Crier Quotes

“When I came to, I found myself in the bowels of a Chinese opium den. I had been playing backgammon with a man named Zoa Lang for 37 hours.”- Jack Black

Feature

Woman Convinced She’s Incredible Driver Because Everyone Who Passes Turns to Look at Her

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA — Local woman Sandra Robbins says she’s convinced she must be an incredible driver because everyone who passes by turns to see who it was behind the wheel. 

“Am I shocked everyone wants a peek? Not really,” said Robbins as she merged onto the expressway and drifted comfortably at 45mph across four lanes, “I mean, when you see so many bad drivers out there, finally coming across someone who knows what they’re doing must be a thrill for them.” 

Robbins says her fellow motorists usually show her their appreciation by flashing their lights or honking before pulling alongside to take a look. “A lot of them, I can see, are trying to tell me something as they go by, but my music usually drowns them out, so I just give them the thumbs up and smile. It’s the polite thing to do.” 

While cruising the freeway gets her some attention, it’s her “curbside” parking that she says is the real deal. “I know people are afraid of curbside parking, but the more you practice, the better you get. Always remember to go in head first. I see a lot of people trying to back into these spots, and they always end up pulling out and trying again, sometimes more than once — so embarrassing. Now, the trick is to not get scared of the bump. When you feel your tires press up against the curb, don’t slow down. It’s tempting, but this is where you really need to give it a little extra gas — you’ll feel the tire compress for a sec, and then you’ll pop right up there. Oh, and don’t forget to be at minimum a 45-degree angle, otherwise, it’ll be impossible to get out later.” 

Her technique, she says, has drawn crowds everywhere she goes, as joggers, dog walkers, and couples pushing their children in strollers grind to a halt to get a look. “This one time, I looked in my mirror and saw like 30 people on the other side of the street all waiting for me to get out of the car. Admittedly, I took a little longer to fix my makeup in the mirror, but hey, you gotta look cute for your fans, right?”

At the printing of this newsletter, Robbins said she noticed she got a lot of new fans as she cut across three lanes to make a left on red.

Miscellaneous

• North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum has announced his candidacy for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination. Political strategists say Burgum has the same chance of winning the nomination as you do of knowing who he is. 

• For protection against sunburn this summer, senior policy adviser for the Environmental Protection Agency tells Axios “you really need about a shot glass-full of sunscreen to give yourself good coverage when you're outdoors.” Her advice has since killed nine TikTokers. 

• In a world first, Canada will soon print health warnings on individual cigarettes. The labels will feature a rotation of warnings like: “Cigarettes damage your organs,” “Cigarettes cause impotence” and “Poison in every puff.” Canadian officials say the success of the warning labels may pave the way for future projects, including printing “are you sure?” on condoms.

• According to new reports, parents may see an increase in the cost of sending their children to summer camp this year. Parents will have to face the tough choice between spending the extra money to send their kids to summer camp or saving the money and buying noise canceling headphones. 

• This week, Apple unveiled it Vision Pro augmented reality headset to rave reviews. In response, Mark Zuckerberg put out this message:

Shameless Plug

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