Crier Quotes

“I’ve been in more situations than I can count where my knowledge of gorilla society has gotten me out of a jam.”- Fergie 

Feature

Nation’s Elderly Armed to the Teeth

OKLAHOMA CITY, OK — A new survey conducted by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) confirms the nation’s elderly are armed to the teeth.  

The AARP survey asked seniors across the country if and how many firearms they owned. An astounding 98% of seniors say they own at least one firearm — with 78% owning more than three. 

“Well, let’s see. I keep a six-shooter in the nightstand, and a .38 Beretta Pico in a tea kettle in the kitchen, she’s my favorite” said 81-year-old Judy May Wallace, “then there’s the two shotguns in the garage, and a bolt action rifle under the couch in the living room. And at night, before getting into bed, I arm the pressure sensor mines at the front, back, and side doors. When you live alone, you can never be too sure.” 

Most seniors, they say, reported owning standard firearms, but the AARP notes a staggering number of survey respondents wrote-in “box of grenades.” 

The source of senior’s weapon fetichism has its roots in their upbringing. “I grew up in the depression,” said 97-year old Hank Thomas as he cleaned the barrel of his Colt .45, “In those days, you learn two things quick: the only person looking out for you is you, and never shoot dice in an alley with a four-fingered man. The Colt helps with both.”

The survey also indicated a remarkably high number of septuagenarian, octogenarian, and nonagenarians carry a pair of brass knuckles, mace, throwing stars, or a combination of all three. “When you take public transit like I do,” said 73-year-old Shirley Pine, “you have to be ready for anything: chain snatchers, bag grabbers, crackheads. That’s why I never leave the house without my knucks.”

But it’s not all offense, the survey also reported the nation’s elderly are heavily stocked on protective gear as well — with 82% of respondents owning a teflon reinforced aluminum plated chest protector and 43% owning full tactical riot gear.

At the printing of this newsletter, the AARP reported a majority of its members have made arrangements to boobytrap their caskets. 

Miscellaneous

• According to new report, Toronto and Sydney are tied as the friendliest cities in the world for non-natives in 2023. The rankings were determined by asking a locals for directions while dressed like a hunchback. 

• Disney is reportedly in talks to produce a live-action remake of “Bambi” — Executives say if the film gets made they’ll offer a special ticket combo deal for children 7 and under that includes a choice of candy, small popcorn, and two therapy sessions. 

• Pete Davidson was charged Friday with reckless driving following a car crash this past March. Davidson faces a single misdemeanor count after he allegedly crashed his vehicle into a home in the upscale Los Angeles neighborhood of Beverly Hills. If convicted, Davidson could be sentenced to 90 days in jail or one season of Dancing with The Stars. 

• A growing number of legal migrants are enlisting in the U.S. military as it more aggressively seeks out immigrants, offering a fast track to citizenship to those who sign up. And boy are they going to be torn when they’re assigned to defend the border. 

• The Kansas City Chiefs unveiled their new Super Bowl championship rings this week. Pundits have been blown-away by the level of detail put into the piece of jewelry, including a hidden interior inscription that reads “Suck it, Philly.”

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