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Feature

Homophobic Misogynist at War with Self When Asked if He’d Prefer Masseuse or Masseur

BOSTON, MA — Homophobic misogynist and Boston resident Connor Daly found himself in an ideological quagmire Saturday afternoon upon entering his local Massage Envy. His day of self-care was nearly torn asunder when asked if he’d prefer receiving his massage from a female masseuse or a male masseur. 

“Geez, that’s a tough one, toots,” said Daly to the receptionist, beads of sweat beginning to formulate on his brow, “I can’t have a man rub me with lotion while I’m wearing nothing but a towel — it’s unnatural — and worse, it might feel good. On the other hand, a woman — for obvious reasons — wouldn’t have the same knowledge of human anatomy that a man would, so I wouldn’t be getting the best quality service for my money.” 

Daly paced the waiting area, working to untangle the knot that pretzeled his mind.

“Now, a woman’s hands are smaller and can get into all the nooks and crannies, which you know Daddy’s got . . . Then again, a man would have bigger, stronger hands, which he could use to kneed my back and shoulders like an artisan sourdough. God, this is a real doozy, sweetheart.”

Two hours had passed before Daly had made up his mind: deciding that he would go with the female masseuse as long as he could pay her less. 

Miscellaneous

• In a survey conducted by parenting site BabyCenter, the classic “grandpa" and “papa" reigned supreme as the names that kids called their grandfathers — although they do report a significant shift is on the way as a recent trend sees more and more grandfathers going by “Mr. President.” 

• The supreme leader of the Taliban, Hibatullah Akhundzada, released a message Sunday saying that women in Afghanistan were able to live a "comfortable and prosperous life." When questioned, the Taliban leader said it was just a coincidence that a “comfortable and prosperous life” is the same messaging used at SeaWorld.  

• According to researchers, a fly’s life span shortens after seeing other dead flies. Apparently, seeing another dead fly completely distracts them from avoiding a researcher swinging a newspaper. 

• Two San Francisco-based startups received the go-ahead from the US Department of Agriculture to sell lab-grown chicken to American consumers for the first time. The decision came after an extensive study confirmed a vast majority of Americans approve of fake breasts. 

• A Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson called President Biden's suggestion that Xi Jinping is a dictator, "extremely absurd and irresponsible." Although, it should be noted, that while the Foreign Ministry spokesperson made the comments, she was also blinking “HELP.” 

• At least 41 people died in a riot in a Honduran women's prison, a spokesperson said Tuesday. The violence started with a fight between members of rival gangs but escalated into an all-out melee when the women were told to calm down. 

• The city of Fitzgerald, Georgia, must decide on whether it will continue constructing a 62-foot tall topiary chicken. One group in the town believes they should finish it. Another believes it should be torn down. And a third believe they should’ve started with the egg. 

• This week, Elon Musk challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a cage match in Las Vegas. The terms of the fight are yet to be determined, but there is speculation that the losing billionaire charters a submersible to the Titanic. 

• Archaeologists have discovered a six-inch-long stone statue of a penis that may have been used to sharpen swords during bloody conflicts during medieval times. “Yeah, to sharpen swords. . .” said medieval women.

• A new long-term Finnish study found that being up late gives people a higher chance of smoking or drinking more heavily, which makes night owls 9 percent more likely to die early. As for early risers, the study found that they’re over 70 percent more likely to be painfully annoying.  

Shameless Plugs

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