Crier Quotes

“Has anyone seen Water?”- Earth, Wind and Fire


Homophobic Misogynist at War with Self When Asked if He’d Prefer Masseuse or Masseur

BOSTON, MA — Homophobic misogynist and Boston resident Connor Daly found himself in an ideological quagmire Saturday afternoon upon entering his local Massage Envy. His day of self-care was nearly torn asunder when asked if he’d prefer receiving his massage from a female masseuse or a male masseur. 

“Geez, that’s a tough one, toots,” said Daly to the receptionist, beads of sweat beginning to formulate on his brow, “I can’t have a man rub me with lotion while I’m wearing nothing but a towel — it’s unnatural — and worse, it might feel good. On the other hand, a woman — for obvious reasons — wouldn’t have the same knowledge of human anatomy that a man would, so I wouldn’t be getting the best quality service for my money.” 

Daly paced the waiting area, working to untangle the knot that pretzeled his mind.

“Now, a woman’s hands are smaller and can get into all the nooks and crannies, which you know Daddy’s got . . . Then again, a man would have bigger, stronger hands, which he could use to kneed my back and shoulders like an artisan sourdough. God, this is a real doozy, sweetheart.”

Two hours had passed before Daly had made up his mind: deciding that he would go with the female masseuse as long as he could pay her less. 


  • In a survey conducted by parenting site BabyCenter, the classic “grandpa" and “papa" reigned supreme as the names that kids called their grandfathers — although they do report a significant shift is on the way as a recent trend sees more and more grandfathers going by “Mr. President.” 

  • The supreme leader of the Taliban, Hibatullah Akhundzada, released a message Sunday saying that women in Afghanistan were able to live a "comfortable and prosperous life." When questioned, the Taliban leader said it was just a coincidence that a “comfortable and prosperous life” is the same messaging used at SeaWorld.  

  • According to researchers, a fly’s life span shortens after seeing other dead flies. Apparently, seeing another dead fly completely distracts them from avoiding a researcher swinging a newspaper. 

  • Two San Francisco-based startups received the go-ahead from the US Department of Agriculture to sell lab-grown chicken to American consumers for the first time. The decision came after an extensive study confirmed a vast majority of Americans approve of fake breasts. 

  • A Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson called President Biden's suggestion that Xi Jinping is a dictator, "extremely absurd and irresponsible." Although, it should be noted, that while the Foreign Ministry spokesperson made the comments, she was also blinking “HELP.” 

  • At least 41 people died in a riot in a Honduran women's prison, a spokesperson said Tuesday. The violence started with a fight between members of rival gangs but escalated into an all-out melee when the women were told to calm down. 

  • The city of Fitzgerald, Georgia, must decide on whether it will continue constructing a 62-foot tall topiary chicken. One group in the town believes they should finish it. Another believes it should be torn down. And a third believe they should’ve started with the egg. 

  • This week, Elon Musk challenged Mark Zuckerberg to a cage match in Las Vegas. The terms of the fight are yet to be determined, but there is speculation that the losing billionaire charters a submersible to the Titanic. 

  • Archaeologists have discovered a six-inch-long stone statue of a penis that may have been used to sharpen swords during bloody conflicts during medieval times. “Yeah, to sharpen swords. . .” said medieval women.

  • A new long-term Finnish study found that being up late gives people a higher chance of smoking or drinking more heavily, which makes night owls 9 percent more likely to die early. As for early risers, the study found that they’re over 70 percent more likely to be painfully annoying.  

Shameless Plugs

It’s the summer of throwing shade . . . beach shade, that is.


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