Crier Quotes

“I have a necklace made entirely of baby teeth, none of which are mine.”- Anne Hathaway 

Feature

Woman Who “Has it All” Wants Yours Too 

MALIBU, CA — Standing at the edge of her $98 million estate, staring out at the pacific ocean, Victoria Jones, the woman who has it all, realized she was missing something: yours. 

“I had just finished my morning massage, and Chef Brandon was preparing breakfast on the veranda when it dawned on me, my work isn’t done,” said Jones as she slipped on the Harry Winston ruby red slippers worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz, “Sure, I built what some may refer to as an ‘empire,’ have an adoring husband, two high-achieving children, and an ass that won’t quit, but I just can’t get over the fact that there’s still something out there that you might be able to get your grubby little mitts on, and I can’t allow that.” 

Fueled by her insatiable desire for more, Jones purchased every item of clothing you’ve been saving in your cart just so she could set them on fire, then intentionally matched and seduced all the same guys you did on every single dating app so they stop texting you, all before she bought the company you work for and put together your severance package — nothing.  

At the printing of this newsletter, it was revealed that it was Jones who was responsible for buying all of the Taylor Swift tickets.

Miscellaneous

• Scooter, a 7-year-old hairless Chinese Crested pup, was crowned this year’s world’s ugliest dog. Unfortunately, Scooter also took the prize for “most resembles owner.”

• The US Food and Drug Administration released a draft of guidelines for research into the therapeutic use of psychedelics. The FDA said they’ll type up the final version of the guidelines as soon as their hot dogs go back to fingers.  

• The makers of Baby Shark and Mini Baby Shark bath toys are recalling 7.5 million toys due to risk of impalement, laceration, and puncture injuries to children. The company said they now regret programming the sing and swim bath toy with the theme from Jaws. 

• A Colorado man who pleaded guilty to assaulting police during the Jan. 6 riot has been sentenced to 48 months in prison. Colorado officials say the man is “affiliated with the radical militia group known as the Three Percenters” — Under other circumstances, Republicans might fight for the man, but unfortunately he’s part of a group that is two percent less than the one they care about. 

• According to The Wall Street Journal, Hollywood's silver foxes are dominating the box office — with 80-year-old Harrison Ford leading the way. Ford’s latest Indiana Jones film is reportedly hitting record attendance numbers at showings just before dinner at 2 pm. 

• An Eli Lilly & Co. experimental weight-loss injection helped obese patients lose an average of 24.2% of their body weight, or about 58 pounds, after 48 weeks with the highest dose, according to a study released Monday by the New England Journal of Medicine. The study indicates the experimental drug was able to achieve such high rate of weight loss through a process called “shitting your brains out.” 

• Robbie Brenner, Head and Executive Producer of Mattel Films says the upcoming Barbie movie is “not a feminist film.” And to prove it, Brenner says all proceeds from the film will be donated to the Taliban. 

• A new NBC poll finds just 32 percent of voters see Vice President Kamala Harris positively, while 49 percent see Harris negatively, and 19 percent have never seen her.

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