Crier Quotes

“Follow your nose, wherever it goes.”- Hunter Biden

Feature

New Jersey Beach “Really Quite Nice” Once You Make it Passed Garbage Mound

NORTH WILDWOOD, NJ — Finally placing their feet in the sand after the thirty minute climb, local New Jersey residents reported the beach was “really quite nice” once you make it passed the giant garbage mound. 

“Wow, look at that view!” said local New Jerseyan Frank DiMartino as he picked discarded fishbones out from between his toes, “looks like we found ourselves a little slice of paradise, eh gang?” Not far off, two seagulls fought to the death over a quarter of a Jersey Mikes sub while a turtle used the plastic rings of a six-pack to tie one off as it leaned onto an exposed syringe. 

“Frankie, call your Uncle Charlie. Tell him were between the chemical dump and the twisted heaps of jagged aluminum cans — follow the smell of a full fridge that’s been broken for weeks — If he’s walking on shards of glass he’s gone too far.” As the DiMartinos settled in, a pushcart vendor rang his bell offering Italian ices and a special New Jersey beach cocktail known as the “Backwash.”

At the printing of this newsletter, a similar report confirmed vacation goers would almost certainly enjoy the scenic New Jersey marsh trails as you can barely see the floating bodies anymore.

Miscellaneous

• The United States Agency for International Development, USAID, and the United Nations have paused food aid to Ethiopia due to widespread theft of the food. USAID cautions locals, saying the suspects are armed and well-nourished. 

• According to data from the Lesbian Bar Project, lesbian bars have been on a nationwide decline since the 1980s. The reason, they say, is because in order for one to officially be considered a lesbian bar it has to exclusively serve Busch. 

• An anti-cruelty law that gives pigs more space could raise ham and bacon prices. The news of pigs getting more space was a real slap in the face to all seven studio apartment roommates in Brooklyn. 

• Subway recently spent $80 million to stock its 20,000 locations with a $6,000 meat-slicing machine, and said roughly 80% of stores will show them off at the front. Representatives for Subway said allowing customers to see their meat sliced in front of them will help convince people it’s truly fresh. All that’s left is to convince people that truly fresh turkey is grey. 

• The USPS plans to raise the price of its first-class "Forever" stamps from 63 cents to 66 cents starting Sunday. The USPS says those who don’t want to fork over the extra three cents for the “Forever” stamps can always opt for the cheaper ten cent “Eventually” stamp.  

• According to a government study released this week, drinking water from nearly half of US faucets contains potentially harmful chemicals. In order to protect yourself and your family from drinking harmful chemicals, government officials recommend stocking up on FDA approved Mountain Dew BAJA Blast.

• The folks at Wired have published a review outlining the “Best Bidets for Every Bathroom and Budget.” While informative, we can’t help but wonder if it was absolutely necessary to include the before and after photos. 

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