Crier Quotes

“Hats off to the person who named the Platypus — nailed it.”- Whoopi Goldberg 

Feature

Study Finds “Under the Bleachers” Where All the Good Shit Happens

SPOKANE, WA — In the latest study published in the American Journal of Sociology, researchers from Gonzaga University confirmed, with absolute certainty, that “under the bleachers” is where all the good shit happens. 

The data was conclusive across all known demographic categories. Regardless of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic background, the bleachers are where it all goes down. “We found roughly 87% of respondents either smoked tobacco or marijuana for the first time under the bleachers, and 71% said it was the where they made it to first, second, and third base,” said lead researcher Emily Blockhouse. 

The published study also reports over 65% of peer-to-peer exchanges of Playboy, Hustler, and Sports Illustrated Swim Suit issues commence under the bleachers. It is also the location of the vast majority of “blood pacts” and “ritualistic alter sacrifices to the sun god Ra.” 

While other locales, such as “the basement,” provided ample opportunity for drinking beer or feeling each other up, it did not allow for activities that required fire or drawing blood. On the opposite end of the spectrum, Blockhouse and her team found that a makeshift fort in the middle of the woods allowed for a variety of knife play and sacrificial ceremonies. Although, it came at a cost — girls. 

“There’s just no place like under the bleachers,” said Blockhouse, “it is a vortex at the center of a Venn diagram of shenanigans.”

Miscellaneous

• A new Airbnb-like app called Sniffspot allows dog owners to rent out backyards for private off-leash areas for their dogs to play — But before going into a stranger's backyard, think about bringing a whistle that more than dogs can hear. 

• BBC News anchor Huw Edwards has been suspended and awaits the results of a formal in-house investigation amid allegations he paid a teenager tens of thousands of pounds for explicit images. If fired, Edwards will have no choice but to go into politics. 

• According to Axios, Swedish developers are preparing to build the world's largest wooden city. While some believe the wooden city is a fire hazard, developers disagree — saying the biggest threat to the city is a wolf who huffs and puffs.  

• Larry Nassar, the ex-USA Gymnastics doctor who sexually abused girls for decades, was stabbed ten times in prison, earning a perfect score from the judges. 

• After a recent health scare, the author of New York Times bestsellers "The Happiness Project" and "Better Than Before," Gretchen Rubin, is out with her latest book, “Life in Five Senses: How Exploring the Senses Got Me Out of My Head and Into the World." It's already considered the most offensive book both on tape and in braille. 

• This week, a Burger King in Thailand introduced what it calls the “real cheeseburger,” a bun filled with as many as 20 slices of American cheese. The people of Thailand would like to apologize to whomever they wronged to deserve this severe punishment. 

• Royal Caribbean’s massive new ship, Icon of the Seas, passed its inaugural round of sea trials, bringing it one step closer to hitting the open ocean with passengers. The size of five Titantics, Icon of the Seas measures 1,198 feet long—nearly a quarter of a mile—and can accommodate 5,600 guests and 2,350 crew members. The mega cruise liner hopes to help answer the question, “How many more of these do we gotta sink before people stop getting on them?” 

• Russian senior general Sergei Surovikin is missing amid reports of being held for interrogation by Moscow over his alleged role in the Wagner Group mutiny. Surovikin was last seen in a tall building standing near a window.

• A tornado touched down near Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport this week, delaying hundreds of flights. It wasn’t all bad though, as the delays gave Spirit Airlines time to reapply the duct tape. 

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