Crier Quotes

“My favorite game as a kid was tag.”- MC Hammer 

Feature

Florida Board of Education Announce Upcoming Curriculum Decided Via Trial By Combat

TALLAHASSEE, FL — There will be another reason to remember August 28th, as it will not only be the 60th anniversary of the March on Washington but will also serve as the date Floridians finally settle the education debate — the Florida Board of Education announced this week the upcoming school curriculum will be decided via trial by combat.

“We affirm this issue will be resolved in the ways of old,” said chairman of Florida’s board of education, Ben Gibson, adding, “Let those who are true warriors of their cause spill the blood of their opposition and finally put to rest the debate over what is taught in our classrooms. The future of this state depends on it.”

According to documents filed with the state legislature, the trials will take place from 2 - 5 am along U.S. Route 192, just southeast of Disney World Orlando, in the parking lot that joins the Cracker Barrel and Waffle House. Leading members of the Moms for Liberty and Florida Freedom to Read Project must submit their respective rosters, listing the names of selected tributes, by Friday, August 25th, at sundown.

Preliminary negotiations determined what is fair and foul — as bricks, bats, axes, knives, mace, hammers, spears, sickles, scythes, brass knuckles, whips, and nunchucks will all be permitted. However, the terms state projectiles, including throwing stars, slingshots, blowguns, crossbows, boomerangs, and firearms will not be allowed. Each side will be granted one alligator.

Writers Strike Update: Executives Say Future of AI a Non-Issue Because Without a Soul There is Nothing for Them to Suck Out

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Hollywood writers' strike crossed the 90-day milestone this week with neither side appearing remotely close to budging. Part of the issue, at least in the minds of the writers, is the rise of artificial intelligence and its potential to put writers out of work. But studio executives say that couldn’t be further from their intentions with regard to the use of the breakthrough technology, as AI has no soul and therefore leaves them with nothing to suck out.

“A majority of the fun is wringing these people completely dry as we extract every ounce of talent they possess while slowly jading them towards the creative process altogether,” said a major studio executive, who for legal reasons, will remain nameless, adding, “Sure, AI can churn out a continuous stream of content by plugging in a few focus-group-tested phrases, but it doesn’t have any beliefs or values for us to make them compromise on in order to make money, so what’s the point?”  

Miscellaneous

• President Biden’s dog Commander bit or otherwise attacked Secret Service personnel at least 10 times between October and January, including one incident that required a hospital visit, according to records from the Department of Homeland Security. Insiders say the attacks were prompted when Secret Service personnel tried to take away Commander’s cocaine. 

• Raven-Symoné says she shares more than just a name with her That’s So Raven Disney Channel character. According to the the latest episode of “The Best Podcast Ever,” she claims she also has psychic abilities. According to her latest vision, Symoné says in her near future she’ll be chased by men in white coats.

• A luxury horse barn in Florida is primed to be the world's largest 3D-printed building. The Florida-based startup developing the project said they chose to work on the record breaking structure with a horse farm because assembling 3D-printed materials requires lots of glue. 

• A plastic surgeon in Ohio has lost her medical license after streaming operations on TikTok. Commenting on the videos, clients of the surgeon say her camera work isn’t the only thing that turned out lopsided. 

• Hoboken, New Jersey, changed its liquor laws so bars can start serving alcohol at 5am for Women’s World Cup games — Allowing bars to serve alcohol as long as people are watching women’s soccer is part of New Jersey’s plan to get people to stop drinking. 

• Lawmakers in numerous states want to include weight as a protected category for employment discrimination, adding body size to the list of protected categories like race, gender, and religion. Lawmakers says the bill targets the biggest culprits of weight discrimination in offices — doors. 

• Tens of thousands of citizens in Israel are continuing their protest against Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s weakening of the country’s Supreme Court. Day by day the protests are mounting, so much so that sources with intimate knowledge say seeing that many angry jews in the streets is giving Jesus flashbacks. 

• Sesame Street’s Big Bird has joined the fun in mocking Elon Musk’s rebrand of Twitter to “X,” tweeting, “Luckily I'm a bird so I can still tweet tweet!” In response, Musk shot back by tweeting a screenshot of Big Bird’s location and tagging KFC. 

Shameless Plug

Small word. Huge impact

$340 billion is spent annually on care. 10,000 people turn 65 every day. 80% of brain development occurs from the ages of zero-four. It’s when quality childcare is absolutely critical. 50% of families in the USA live in a childcare desert. There’s the reality we all live with… And then there’s Care.com. Our purpose is to help every family at each stage of care and today, we’re helping millions of families at home and at work across 17+ countries and growing. ❤️ We’re using technology and innovation to solve one of the greatest human challenges. ❤️ We’re at the forefront of safety, advocacy and thought leadership. ❤️ We’re obsessively attuned to our customers’ needs because we ARE our customer. ❤️ We’re devoted to families of all types and backgrounds because we ARE families of all types and backgrounds. ❤️ We’re here for all your life, for all families, for all the reasons that matter.

Start your free search for care in your area. Care for all you love.

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this week’s issue and want to support future editions, please share it!

If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.