Crier Quotes

“If I’m looking to get lucky, I’ll rub a few strategic locations with bacon.”- Dolly Parton

Feature

Distant Relative Reminds Local Man He Used to be “This Big”

WARSAW, IL — Well, it looks like its back to therapy for local man Hank Zacksby as his third cousin once removed on his mother’s side, Edna Irvington, reminded him of what a little man he used to be when the two were reintroduced at his sister’s wedding — saying, “I remember you when you were just a peanut, this big. Do you remember? You were so small. We couldn’t believe how small you were. Just a teeny tiny little thing. Do you remember?” She proceeded to taunt Zacksby by using her hand to indicate the height, just below her knee, that he used to stand before pinching and shaking Zacksby’s cheek. “God, that was like, a million years ago, I’m BIG now Cousin Edna, BIG!!” cried Zacksby as he stormed off. The evening then took a second, horrible turn, when Zacksby’s 104-year-old grandfather attempted to pull a quarter out from behind Zacksby’s ear and died instantly.    

Report: Kanye West Oddly Quiet

LOS ANGELES, CA — There’s an eerie feeling around Hollywood this week as its been a while since Kanye West has done something outlandish, leaving many to wonder, what is he up to? By now, most thought that they would have read an article about West announcing his candidacy for president of the mole people or trying to jump nine school buses on a horse, but he’s been oddly quiet. Members of both black and jewish organizations have expressed a growing concern over the uncertainty of the rapper’s next move. High ranking officials in both groups wonder if he’s just back on his meds or, as they fear, he’s plotting something. Said Oprah, “He’s quiet . . . too quiet.” 

Miscellaneous

• Scientists were able to revive a 46,000-year-old species of worm that had been frozen in permafrost. Even more fascinating, the team of scientists say, is that once defrosted, the worm had an uncanny resemblance to Rudy Giuliani.  

• A new report indicates more kids’ camps are incorporating schoolwork into their programs. None more evident than at summer camps run by the Boy Scouts of America — where scout masters reinforce the building blocks of arithmetic by spending an hour each day helping their troops calculate settlements.

• A team of researchers has found that wild fruits in Costa Rica with higher alcohol content tend to be shared more widely by mammals than fruits with less alcohol. You can read more of the team’s findings in their paper, “What’s a Gorilla Like You Doing in a Place Like This?”

• Taco Bell was hit with a proposed class-action lawsuit claiming the chain falsely advertised its Mexican Pizzas and Crunchwraps as having more than double the fillings they actually do. The man says that if he had gotten what he paid for a lot more would have come out of him.

• A Zoo in China has denied claims that its bears are really people in bear suits after videos surfaced of the bears standing on two legs. The bears refuted the accusations, saying, “raaarrr, I’m a bear, raaarrr.”

• WIRED magazine ran a story on six great deals on PC components and sex toys. The perfect read for gamers looking to enhance their experience with both their hardware and their software.

• The heaviest animal to ever exist may be an ancient whale from Peru. Researchers only became aware of the colossal mammal this week after it sued Lizzo.

• According to Axios analysis, it’s the summer of the mocktail. A trend driven by Gen Z, nonalcoholic beverages have dominated social media feeds and the market is expected to expand to $30 billion by 2025. But without alcohol, many wonder if it will ever be possible for fives to be sevens.

• Experts in Florida say mounds of writhing sea creatures are piling up on beaches, as numerous calls to 911 have reported herds of manatees engaging in very public group sex. What remains a mystery, authorities say, is how a majority of the incidents have included Bill Clinton.

• Detroit's Palmer Park, home to the city's only 18-hole disc golf course, is expanding with a new beginners course to introduce the sport to new players — Oddly enough, “someone introducing you to disc golf,” is number three on the list of our forthcoming book “Signs Something has Gone Terribly Wrong.” 

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