Crier Quotes

“Am I competitive? Well, the last time I played mini golf, the paramedics were called.”- Winona Ryder

Feature

Newborn Screaming Throughout Night Making Surprisingly Valid Points

COLUMBIA, SC — Was it sleep deprivation or divine intervention? That’s the question local parents Todd and Sylvia Johnson were left wondering Wednesday morning after being kept up the entire night by the screaming of their newborn baby. Despite having never uttered a coherent word, the two-week-old embarked on an overnight marathon of impassioned monologues, making some surprisingly valid points. Reports suggest that the newborn's hours-long tirade covered a wide variety of topics, including climate change, the concept of time, and the inherent meaninglessness of existence. "Initially, we thought she was just hungry," Sylvia admitted, still in a state of disbelief. "But then, baby girl started expounding on the flaws in modern capitalism and the ethical implications of technological advancements. Honestly, it was both enlightening and slightly unsettling.” The Johnsons say their little girl capped her solo symposium with a giant poo.  

Report: Department of Defense Calls Aliens “Non-Threat” as All of Their Tech Runs on Windows ’98

ARLINGTON, VA — Well, it looks like there’s no need to panic after all, as a new Department of Defense report has designated aliens as a “non-threat” due to all their tech running on Windows ’98. Taking apart the mangled scraps and debris recovered from numerous alien crash landing sites, the department’s best scientists noticed a remarkable amount of alien tech had a floppy disk port. After firing up the motherboard, specialists said they were met by Clippy, who asked if they needed help writing a letter. “In light of our latest findings, we are confidently downgrading the threat level of extraterrestrial beings,” said Defense Department spokeswoman Susan Gough, “I mean, their default browser is Ask Jeeves.” Before ex-ing out the window, it was noted that the extraterrestrials — using the name “GalAXyGurl5XOXO”— had set their AIM away message to “g2g *NSYNC concert <333”

Miscellaneous

• Elon Musk announced this week that the fight between him and Mark Zuckerberg will take place in Italy. The tech giant said they chose the country for the fight because, in Italy, they let their hands do the talking. 

• Zoom, a mainstay of remote work during the pandemic, is telling its employees to return to the office at least two days per week. But, to be fair to employees who got used to working remotely, executives said they will not require anyone to wear pants. 

• According to the most recent Federal Trade Commission data from 2022, business for scammers boomed last year with consumer losses to fraud increasing 30% compared to 2021 — FTC officials say the fraud losses really should be higher but they don’t count giving money to politicians. 

• Homesick candles is offering a candle that smells like Citi Field, the home of the New York Mets — It’s the first candle to effectively capture the smell of disappointment. 

• Someone in Florida won the estimated $1.58 billion Mega Millions jackpot. The winner has yet to come forward, but some believe it’s their neighbor who all of a sudden has teeth. 

• Republican presidential contender Mike Pence has released a new ad campaign that’s gone viral for all the wrong reasons. The former Indiana governor pretends to refuel at the gas pump while he delivers his spiel to the camera, but Pence never actually pumps gas into the car during the ad — defending himself, Pence said he didn’t put gas in the car because he believes inserting and pumping is between a man and a woman. 

• A Texas woman is opening up about the terrifying ordeal she suffered last month when she said she was attacked by a snake and a hawk at the same time. The woman says the incident has left her emotionally scarred and wonders if she’ll ever be able to confidently dress like a giant mouse ever again. 

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