Crier Quotes

“He’s evaded me for 59 years, but, as God as my witness, I WILL get my hands on his Lucky Charms.”- Bono

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Well, sometimes it’s just your lucky day, just ask a woman in Dallas now celebrating a $5,000 a week for life scratch off win. Dorthy Shock says she was just walking down the street when the wind blew the big score right to her. It’s not all rainbows and bubblegum for Shock, however, as moments after word got out of her cashing in the winning ticket she was contacted by lawyers for Brad Hurtz, who claim the ticket was originally his. Hurtz’s lawyers say the ticket was dislodged from his hand when he excitedly ran into the street and was struck by a bus.  

Authorities say a couple in Albuquerque have some explaining to do as they were caught on several Ring door cameras dressed as mailmen taunting local dogs. It was all fun and games until a German shepherd jumped through a second story window ripping the covered porch awning on its way down and fracturing both its hips. Paul and Susan Hubbard face a potential multimillion dollar fine and the chair. 

They say the truth can be stranger than fiction, and that’s certainly the case in Fairfax County, Virginia, where detectives said they are on the lookout for a man with three parrots, last seen wearing a black cowboy hat. The man is accused of robbing a McDonald’s restaurant at knifepoint around 8 a.m. Tuesday. Investigators said he stole an undisclosed amount of money and then left the area in a Ford SUV. 


Smith & Wesson Announce Back to School Sale

SPRINGFIELD, MA — Things are certainly popping off this school year as firearm manufacturer Smith & Wesson has announced its first "Back to School Sale” — capturing the attention of parents and educators alike by inviting families to gear up for the academic year with a range of discounted weaponry.

"We understand the importance of keeping our schools secure and ensuring the safety of our children," explained Mark Triggerman, Vice President of Marketing at Smith and Wesson. Adding, “Our ‘AK-12' campaign provides an opportunity for families to explore a range of safety solutions — from semi-automatics to sawed-offs, to bulletproof backpacks and bump stocks, we’ve got everything you need.”

NRA members get an additional twenty-five percent off orders of $1,000 or more, a complementary box of ammo, and a nuclear football lunchbox and missile silo thermos! 

The sale will run through the Labor Day Weekend, so lock and stock up while supplies last. 


  • A new political survey asking Christians to rate Jesus on the ideological spectrum reports 75% of liberal Christians believe Jesus would lean left and an equal 75% of conservative Christians believe he would lean right. But both groups acknowledge the political minefield Jesus would face if he were alive today, with many adding, “he’d have to be careful with what he says, otherwise, social media will crucify him.”

  • Since his surrender to Georgia authorities, former President Donald Trump’s mug shot has created a merchandise boom on both sides of the aisle as fundraisers look to cash in. Mugs, T-shirts, shot glasses, and posters are selling across the country, but, so far, it looks like Democrats are missing out on a surefire cash cow — toilet paper. 

  • Contrary to the common theory that people get a happiness boost after donating to charity, a recent study indicates that people donate to charity when they’re already feeling happy. Based on these findings, researchers say the greatest feeling in the world is divorcing Jeff Bezos. 

  • A man in the UK was arrested for allegedly leaping out at two women while in a latex gimp suit. The judge said the case is the first he’s seen where the accused keeps asking for harsher punishment. 

  • A new survey found up to 91% of women have received romantic advances on LinkedIn. According to female LinkedIn users, the most common play is for a man to reach out, asking if they have “any openings they need filled.” 

  • As the writers’ and actors’ strikes continue, SAG-AFTRA is now encouraging reality TV stars to unionize as well. Union leaders say they can get reality stars better pay, shorter hours, and fifteen more seconds of fame. 

  • North Korea has barred women from wearing shorts. And in an even more surprising move, decreed men can only wear banana hammocks. 

  • Billy McFarland — who pleaded guilty to fraud and was sentenced in 2018 to six years in federal prison as a result of the botched Fyre Festival — announced that Fyre Festival 2 tickets are officially on sale. It’s like they always say, “if at first you don’t succeed, scam, scam again.”

  • This week, Japan began releasing waste water from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear power plant. It’s uncertain what the effects will be, but neighboring countries say they’re a little concerned that Japan chose to dump the radioactive waste upstream from the country’s terrifying lizard farm. 

  • A new survey indicates Green Bay Packers fans drink more beers per game than any NFL team — Which would explain why their favorite hat is cheese. 

  • Lego has released Braille versions of its famous toy bricks, marking the first time the product has been released to the general public — But you don’t have to be blind to know the bricks say “SON OF A B**CH C**KS***ING MOTHER F***ER!” when read with your feet. 

  • An Australian team of scientists has produced concrete that is about 30% stronger by replacing some of the mixture’s sand with charred coffee grounds. The team said they began their research after one member reported his morning coffee had him “shitting bricks.” 

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