Crier Quotes

“Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?”- Flava Flav 

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New York City’s public transit system, the MTA, issued an advisory this week that there is “a more than likely chance someone in your subway car has Hep C.” Said Senior MTA official Richard Davey, “2.5 million daily riders — you do the math.” A spokesperson for the MTA said the transit authority is advising passengers to do their best not to bleed on each other. 

At the age of 76, Jimmy Buffet passed away this week, surrounded by family members, friends, his music and his dogs. Buffet will be the first buried in a casket with a salted rim.  

According to the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin was not invited to the private funeral of mercenary leader Yevgeny Prigozhin — But sources close to Putin say he didn’t take the non invite too harshly because he’s never been the type that needs to admire their work. 

Feature

Trojan Introduces New Pumpkin Spice Condoms

Capitalizing on the yearly fall frenzy, Trojan is rolling out a new addition to its lineup with new Pumpkin Spice Condoms. The company hopes the new launch will help quench customers autumnal thirst.

“I’ve been in this game for a while now, and research shows across all demographic markers that nothing comes close to the raw sexual magnetism of pumpkin spice,” said head of Trojan’s Innovation Department Adam Eckersley, “It’s the siren’s song of the season. When it comes to fall, there’s only one thing people want to do, and that’s wrap their lips around pumpkin spice.” 

So far, the campaign has been met by favorable reviews, particularly among college educated suburban white women who otherwise wouldn’t spend much time below the belt, saying the addition of their favorite fall flavor is taking “the ‘ick’ out of ‘dick’” 

However, some critics have raised issues with the campaign, questioning whether the condom maker has thought through the possible repercussions of their decision. "We're entering uncharted territory here,” cautioned Dr. Amelia Jennings-Brown, a relationships expert with over 40 years of experience, “What I’m worried about is conditional association. At some point, the simulation won’t be enough. Users will start craving the real thing, and the next thing you know, you’re hitting on a Jack-O-Lantern in front of a group of trick-or-treaters. There’s a reason most of those things are toothless.”

Despite these objections, Trojan is pushing full steam ahead with its seasonal offerings, banking on the fact that as autumn leaves begin to fall, so too will inhibitions. Eckersley said pumpkin spice condoms are just one product within the cornucopia of new offerings this season, as his team is already back in the lab looking to help men last longer by fighting sensitivity with extra thick flannel lined condoms.

Miscellaneous

• Players at the U.S. Open are complaining about the smell of marijuana at this year’s event, with one saying, “it smells like Snoop Dogg’s living room.” “That’s preposterous!” said Snoop, adding, “my living room smells like a strip club.” 

• Following his performance in last week’s debate, Vivek Ramaswamy has seen a significant boost in support. Notably, Ramaswamy received praise from O.J. Simpson — who said he loves what Vivek is saying, adding, “take it from someone who knows, this guy is killing it.”

• Factory activity in China contracted for a fifth straight month in August, fueled by increased youth unemployment. High ranking Chinese officials said they’re working to boost factory work with a new government funded initiative called the “Development of Additional Youth Contributions in Alignment with Revitalizing the Economy” or “DAY CARE.” 

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