Crier Quotes

“Sure, they’re domesticated now, but at one point in time, cows used to put up a fight.”- Kylie Jenner 

Trending News

Due to the prolonged television writers strike, we may be in for a strange fall season as networks scramble to put together programs that don’t rely on the work of unionized writers — Mainly, reality TV. In light of this, Netflix announced its newest reality dating show following a group of sexually curious nuns titled “Too Close for Convent.”

Struggling to pay his mounting legal bills, a desperate Rudy Giuliani was seen this week standing outside the entrance of the Lincoln Tunnel with a sign reading “Will Ink for Money.” 

A Rolling Stone investigation accused Jimmy Fallon of fostering a harmful workplace. According to the investigation, Fallon was called a “bully” and “toxic” by staffers — and “an amateur” by Ellen DeGeneres.

The NFL season kicked off this weekend, and apps like FanDual and Draft Kings provided a plethora of prop bets for fans to make the upcoming season more interesting — The line is currently set at over/under 3.5 cases of domestic violence. 

Feature

Harvard Student Carries Card Explaining Exactly Who His Father Is

BOSTON, MA — The saying “work smarter, not harder” certainly applies to Astor Cunningham as the Harvard sophomore has cut out the middle man, getting anything he wants with the flash of a card.

Cunningham's card presents a polished image of his father, impeccably dressed and exuding authority. The card includes an exhaustive list of his father's accomplishments and societal stature along with high-profile connections at various law firms, financial institutions, and government agencies.

“Yelling ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS!?’ to a class scheduler or a bouncer is tacky and screams new money,” said Cunningham as he waited for his chauffeur to open the door of the Rolls Royce, “Besides why would I lower myself by talking to these people anyway. What am I, an animal?”

Miscellaneous

• Overshadowed by the death of Jimmy Buffett last week was the death of Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell. Devastated fans paid tribute to Harwell by lining the funeral procession route holding their finger and their thumb in the shape of an L on their forehead.

• Two passengers on an Air Canada flight were escorted off an airplane for refusing to sit in wet, vomit-covered seats — Or as they’re known on Spirit, an upgrade. 

• The average American date night costs $159, according to MoneyGeek — Which American women say is not enough for a guaranteed put-out.

• According to the Wall Street Journal, China has ordered officials in its central government agencies not to use iPhones for work or bring them into the office amid fears the iPhones are made with spyware. Apple executives responded quickly, telling the Chinese government that they do not plant malware in their phones during production, adding, “If you don’t believe us, ask your kids.”  

• Shirli Aharon of Tel Aviv, Israel, was suffering from spasmodic dysphonia — a voice disorder that causes involuntary spasms of the muscles in the larynx — practically eliminating her ability to speak, until she recently underwent an innovative surgery that restored her voice. "I feel like I've been reborn," she said, adding, "No one will stop me from speaking now" — “Oy vey,” said her husband.

• Freddie Mercury’s piano sold at auction for $2.2 million. Said the buyer, “I can’t believe I’m sitting in the seat where Freddie tickled the ivories — and played piano.”

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