Crier Quotes

“At a party hosted by Tom Cruise, I once danced the Electric Slide between Shania Twain and James Carville. Although, I could’ve been tripping on Acid. Either way, I woke up naked in the woods.”- Shia Labeouf 

Trending Now

Last week, images from a UFO hearing in Mexico went viral. The supposed ancient creatures’ origins were eventually clarified as a hoax after images were shown to the United States Congress where they were both recognized as a former high school classmates by Diane Feinstein.  

New revelations this week as a source with intimate knowledge of President Biden’s morning routine informed the press that while enjoying his breakfast of prune juice, bran muffin, and Alpha-Bits cereal, the president enjoys listening to DMX. The insider’s report has been confirmed by numerous White House staff who say they frequently hear the president threatening the other letters in his Alpha-Bits that the  “X Gon’ Give It To Ya”  then barking like a dog.      

A new life hack spread on social media instructing users on “how to get rid of that ball of fat on the back of your neck.” The video tutorial was given by a now-stunning Quasimodo.  

The family of a North Carolina man who died after driving his car off a collapsed bridge while following Google Maps directions is suing the technology giant for negligence, claiming it had been informed of the collapse but failed to update its navigation system. Lawyers for Google plan to argue the case based on the fact that the man driving the car had eyes. 

Feature

Nation Shocked by How Often Men Surprise Themselves with Thoughts of Spanish Inquisition 

THE INTERNET — A new TikTok trend has everyone saying, “I did not see that coming.” When confronted with the question by their significant other, a shocking percentage of men admit they frequently surprise themselves with thoughts of the Spanish Inquisition. 

“I didn’t think it was real until I asked my boyfriend Greg,” revealed Morgan Zimmerman in a TikTok post scrolling the couple’s text thread, “I said, ‘how often are you surprised by your thoughts of the Spanish Inquisition?’ he said, ‘3 … 4 times a week. I’m never expecting it. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!’” 

Women have been sharing conversation snippets with their partners about how often the Spanish Inquisition sneaks up on them. In one video, a woman shares her boyfriend’s latest scare as he was sitting on the toilet at work. “I was scrolling on my phone when a strange feeling washed over me. Paralyzed with fear, I imagined the bathroom stall door getting kicked in by a trio of cardinals draped in red, accusing me of being a heretic and fighting for my life with my pants still around my ankles as they dragged me out.”

The videos have garnered millions of likes and shares in the last week, as men admit to the various triggers that send them spiraling-back to the fifteenth century. In one video, a text chain explains how easy it is, saying, “A colleague had told me how they were being pulled in multiple directions at work and, just like that, I was cast to the cold stone chambers that lay beneath the Spanish streets. I could hear the cranking of the rack wheel as the ropes pulled all four of my limbs simultaneously away from my body.” 

In another video, a woman scrolls texts with her husband where he explains how he was at the grocery store perusing the aisles when the fear struck. “I had reached for Betty Crocker’s Devil’s Food cake mix when I made eye contact with an employee. His red vest transformed into an inquisitor’s cloak. He accused me of cake heresy, and the next thing I knew, I was on trial for my life, defending my choice of cake.”

How and why thoughts of the Spanish Inquisition continue to surprise men is yet to be determined. Some see the phenomenon as evidence of reincarnation, as the subconscious mind breaks the threshold separating reality and memory. Others call it a coincidence. Regardless, one thing is for sure — there’s no escaping the Spanish Inquisition. 

Miscellaneous

• This week was the 12th anniversary of the repeal of the military policy “Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” While no longer used in the military, the phrase sill serves as the motto for McDonald’s employees about what’s in the McRib. 

• Taylor Swift and Sophie Turner, both of whom dated Joe Jonas, were spotted grabbing dinner in New York City on Tuesday night, according to photos and a video published by Page Six. Unfortunately for Jonas, the pair were photographed at a table with a ruler giggling. 

• In more Taylor Swift news, rumors continue to circulate over whether she’s dating Kansas City Chiefs star Travis Kelce. Fans of Swift are on the fence, with many believing it won’t last. Which means it’s countdown to the eventual break up track — “Tight Endings.” 

• A group of marine-loving scientists are documenting sperm whale chatter in the Caribbean, and generative language technology like ChatGPT could one day make it possible for humans to join the conversation. Although some scientists argue we don’t need AI in order to learn to speak whale — we just need to talk to Yo Mama. 

• Researchers have found face pareidolia — a phenomenon of seeing a smile in an inanimate object — is more common among women who just gave birth. In comparison, when shown an image of an inanimate object, women who haven’t just given birth just see the president. 

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