Crier Quotes

“I don’t see it as a kink, but a lot of guys say I’m the first girl in the bedroom to ask them to put on Hulk Hands.”- Ana de Armas

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Mirriam Webster’s word of the day Tuesday was “Grok” — meaning “to understand something both profoundly and intuitively.” Even more interesting, Mirriam Webster says, is how a word that scholarly is only one “n” away from meaning “idiot who spikes football.”

Former President Jimmy Carter and former first lady Rosalynn Carter made a surprise appearance at the Plains Peanut Festival in their Georgia hometown. The festival featured a road race, kiddie rides, and arts and crafts booths, but this year’s showstopper was without a doubt when the 99-year-old Carter mud wrestled a local sorority.

President Joe Biden made history Tuesday when he joined a picket line in Michigan in a show of loyalty to auto workers striking for higher wages and cost-of-living increases. Biden then returned home and continued his historic efforts as he joined a growing picket outside the White House demanding a younger president.

American astronaut Frank Rubio returned to Earth Wednesday after setting the record for the longest U.S. spaceflight at 371 days. Rubio’s family said they’re looking forward to catching up with Frank, who before leaving over a year ago said he was just going out for a pack of cigarettes.

Feature

Biden Administration Assembles Task Force to Liberate President’s Hand From Pickle Jar

THE WEST WING — This week, top brass from all six branches of the armed forces were gathered at the White House by the Biden administration as part of a new task force designed to free the president's hand from a one-gallon jar of Kosher Dills.

The task force was briefed on what's being called 'Operation Phalange Freedom,' whose singular objective is the successful extraction of the president's captive digits. Members of Operation Phalange Freedom were instructed to do their best to get everyone out unscathed but would consider proposals with a projected risk of phalangeal casualties of fewer than twenty percent.

After a marathon 72-hour strategic brainstorming session, the brightest military minds the US has to offer presented the Commander-in-Chief with a rather unorthodox solution: drop the pickle back into the jar, then remove the hand. Unfortunately, the plan was quickly dismissed. “No can do, Slick,” said the President. “Like my old buddy Silas Spoontooth said before he left camp at the Battle of Gettysburg, ‘If I let go, the pickle wins.’”

Due to its sensitive nature, requests for details about the final mission conducted under Operation Phalange Freedom were repeatedly denied and remain heavily classified. However, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre hinted that this Halloween, the nation should not be surprised to see the president dressed as Captain Hook.

Miscellaneous

• In an effort to save North America’s largest and rarest tortoise species, U.S. wildlife officials have agreed to release a number of tortoises to private sanctuaries. If this initiative fails to increase the tortoise population, wildlife officials say they’ll resort to Plan B and introduce a female in heat to Mitch McConnell.

• A Japanese pharmaceutical startup is set to start clinical trials next summer on the world's first drug to regrow teeth. If successful, the company will be the first whose target demographic are hockey players and meth heads.

• The long-rumored televised debate between California Governor Gavin Newsom and Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will be held Thursday, Nov. 30. To watch, check your local station guide for “Dumb and Dumber.”

• Doritos achieved a new record for the highest cheese pull after a helicopter dipped a giant chip into a special cheese blend inside of a 14-foot-tall replica of nachos and then stretched the cheese 49 feet up without it breaking. The company said they’ll be taking a break from these projects for a while as the person in charge of coming up with these stunts recently returned to the third grade.

• The U.S. Supreme Court will begin its new term on Monday with a flurry of high-profile cases expected to be heard by the justices over the next nine months. This will include cases that will seek to limit the power of the federal government, as well as fights over gun ownership rights and the pervasiveness of social media. As always, Justice Clarence Thomas marked the beginning of the new session by lighting his chamber’s ceremonial “For Sale” sign.

• A university in Ireland will offer the country’s first degree in social-media influencing in September 2024. Coursework progresses from the introductory “Video and Audio Editing 101” to the more advanced “Subtle Art of Pushing Your Breasts Together.”

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