Crier Quotes

“A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I got my start in the Ice Capades.”

- Clint Eastwood

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The Marine Corps is facing a shortage of camouflage uniforms and says it will be out of stock until summer or fall 2024 — For now, Marine units will be outfitted in uniforms patterned with the face of John Cena.

New research suggests scientists have found a bacteria that eats through plastic — Word of the finding sent a shiver down the spines of Hollywood surgeons.

Former President Donald Trump appeared in court this week for his $250 million civil lawsuit alleging rampant fraud at his business properties. The former president’s legal team said they plan to go on the front foot when they have their chance to call character witnesses, including a longtime associate of Trump — the Nigerian Prince.


Transportation Secretary Buttigieg Denies Affair with Michelin Man

WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a press conference early Thursday morning, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg addressed accusations that he has been engaged in a clandestine affair with the Michelin Man.

“I am here today to put an end to rumors that have been circulating for the last few weeks,” said Buttigieg, “My relationship with the Michelin Man is purely professional, and any photographs suggesting otherwise have clearly been doctored.” The transportation secretary referred to leaked images published in the National Enquirer of himself and the Michelin Man on the shoulder of Route 66. In the photograph, Sec. Buttigieg appears to be kneeling before the Michelin Man — seemingly using a hand pump to “fix a flat.” In what is now being called “Inflate-gate,” the tabloid ran the photo under the headline “Roadside Assistance.”

The scandal has continued to evolve as more photographs have now surfaced of the pair entering and exiting various motor lodges across the nation. Despite this week’s public denial, internet sleuths have remained vigilant, and online forums, including the popular subreddit “r/rubber-necking,” continue to delve into the details of the pair’s alleged entanglement.

In the face of this media circus, Secretary Buttigieg’s husband, Chasten Glezman, has stood by his man, calling the accusations a “smear campaign designed to distract the public.” However, Glezman refused to comment when shown a series of photographs that recently came to light following last month’s Detroit Auto Show, in which both the Transportation Secretary and the Michelin Man appear hurriedly exiting a nearby La Quinta Motor Inn.

Following the auto show rendezvous, the Michelin Man was spotted at a local Jiffy Lube, having a puncture hole in his rear tires plugged. A spokesperson for the Michelin Man claims he sustained the injury when he slipped and fell getting out of the shower as he had not been wearing his CrossClimate tires and landed squarely on the toilet brush. The spokesperson described the accident as a “million-to-one shot.”


  • Taco Bell is adding breakfast tacos to its menu beginning October 12 for a limited time — perfect for whenever you want to start your day by ruining it.

  • According to NBC, an additional 2 million female viewers tuned in to watch Taylor Swift watch a football game — Roughly four times more than the number of women who tuned in for the WNBA finals.

  • California Governor Gavin Newsom signed a new law to raise the minimum wage for fast food workers to $20 per hour — A remarkable $15 more than the state’s teachers.

  • Apple is facing a big problem with their new phone as there have been numerous reports of the iPhone 15 super heating — reaching temperatures over 100 degrees. If your phone gets too hot, Apple says the best thing to do is place the device in a bowl of uncooked popcorn.

  • President Joe Biden’s dog, Commander, is “not presently on the White House campus” following a series of biting incidents involving White House staff and U.S. Secret Service officers. The attacks have been draining on the mental health of White House staff, who said they thought they’d never have to deal with any more biting incidents after Eric left.

  • This week was Fat Bear Week — a week-long bracket style competition, evaluating a bear's success in preparation for winter hibernation. But Fat Bear Week is only the beginning — after being crowned on Tuesday, the winning bear will have one month to prepare before facing off in a two-day Thanksgiving eat-a-thon against Chris Christie.

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