Crier Quotes

“I once spent three years following the Blue Man Group on tour while eating nothing but psychedelic mushrooms.”
- Jon Lovitz, unprompted

Trending Now

In honor of the 20th anniversary of the pumpkin spice latte, Starbucks gave customers a sheet of free pumpkin-themed temporary tattoos. Not to be outdone, with every pumpkin spice purchase at Dunkin, they’ll put a lit cigarette out on you.

In a new interview, Vice President Kamala Harris said she loves her job. The interview was cut short, however, after a secret service member walked in and shouted “found her” to which Harris replied “you’ll never take me alive!” then jumped out a second story window.

An Alabama public library mistakenly added a children’s picture book to a list of potentially inappropriate titles because the author’s last name is “Gay.” The librarian has since corrected the mistake and placed Gay’s book in “Men’s Interests.”

Feature

Taylor Swift Fans Descend on American Movie Theaters Like Locust Plague

NEW YORK, NY — Harrowing scenes unfolded across the country Friday evening as hordes of Taylor Swift fans descended on area movie theaters like a biblical locust plague, leaving nothing but destruction and glitter in their wake.

Shortly before the arrival of the masses, employees at numerous venues reported an eerie feeling passing through them as the sky blackened and lamp posts outside began to flicker. A gust of wind blew open the entrance doors as four mysterious men on horseback silently walked by. Terrified at the sight, not a single employee got close enough to confirm the identities of the four men — although many say the men were Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Jonas, John Mayer, and Harry Styles — the prophesied “Four Boyfriends of the Taypocalypse.”

“The screams . . . I’ll never forget the screams . . . I wasn’t there on D-Day, but I can’t imagine it being much different,” said shell-shocked Regal Cinemas employee Chad Thorn before excusing himself — the memories too painful to carry on.

In Philadelphia, a ravenous swarm of wide-eyed, frothy-mouthed tweens used multi-colored boas to tie down a ticket taker before branding the number thirteen on his chest with scalding artificial butter. “They told me they would give me something I couldn’t ‘shake off,’” said the man, “I have kids, you know. I’m just glad I got out of there with my life.”

The nation continues to reel in the aftermath of this weekend’s events. As theater managers assess the damages, it is unclear how long it will take to rebuild. Although, one thing is without question: the emotional damage will last a lifetime.

Miscellaneous

• 23andMe user information was reportedly hacked in a breach of upwards of seven million accounts. The genealogy company said it’s still investigating, but they have a strong suspicion the hacker is related to Genghis Khan.

• Salman Rushdie has written a memoir about the knife attack at a literary event last year that left him blind in his right eye. The book’s rumored title is “All I Have Left.”

• ACT scores for 2023 grads were the lowest since 1991. It was the sixth year in a row that scores on the test declined. How bad is it? Well, to give you an idea, a majority of test takers were unable to correctly answer the question, “how do you spell ACT?”

• An Indiana woman stole a Kia from a dealership to drive to her exotic dancer interview. Bail was set at $1.

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