Feature: Plot to “Blow Up the Internet” Foiled by … The Internet

The Lede:

A Texas man failed in his attempt to “blow up the internet” after authorities learned of his plot by visiting the website “MyMilitia.com.”

Let’s start with…. why?

In the man’s own words, it was an attempt to “bring down the oligarchy.” Although, some are drawing their own conclusions after it was reported that the man’s wife (who had her suspicions about the way the man spoke with their next door neighbor) stumbled upon an open tab containing the family desktop’s search history to find “neighbor brings back weed whacker and trims grateful MYLF’s bush” and “Make Anal Gape Again.”

Who was this guy?

The man went by the screen-name Dionysus - the Greek god of wine - which he settled on after learning there was no Greek god of Pabst Blue Ribbon - A grievance he intended to bring directly to the Parthenon as soon as he got finished snuffing out the internet.

Gotcha, but how did authorities catch on?

Elementary, my dear. Dionysus, in his infinite wisdom, decided to Google search “giant bombs and how to build them” which brought him to a blog post titled “If You Build It I Will Bomb.” From there, a hyperlink at the bottom of the post brought him to “MyMilitia.com” - founded by a guy named Tom who struggled throughout high school to make militia friends and just wanted to share his enthusiasm for ghillie suits (authorities are now worried about a new site budding in popularity - FaceMilitia - founded by a “guy” named Mark - whose cold, calculated demeanor, lack of empathy, and use of his tongue to smell have many believing he may be a lizard person). Whist on MyMilitia.com, Dionysus divulged his plot to an undercover FBI agent under the name “Shallow Throat.” The sting was on!

A sting, you say?

That’s right, a sting, and Dionysus was none the wiser. In his mind, everything was above board when he saw Shallow Throat’s post “HELP! wife says I need to clear basement of extra bombs to make space for mother-in-law [nag].” He also liked that the bombs were advertised as “domestic” - he wanted no part in contributing to hard working American bomb makers losing their jobs to foreigners. After making contact, the meeting was set. Remembering to “never militia on an empty stomach,” as is the militia man's credo, Dionysus stopped at a Waffle House to fuel up on batter, bacon, and biscuits. When the dupery was finally revealed, it was too late for Dionysus, who couldn’t even muster the energy to run as his blood had thickened with syrup from his pit-stop.

**Editor’s note In the wake of this incident, the folks at MyMilitia.com have toyed with the idea of changing their name to “ThisIsTotallyNotAMilitiaWesbite.com” - as to attract less attention from authorities.