Crier Quotes

“You just gotta keep putting out that signal, man. Just put out that signal. You know, and over time, if you broadcast a good signal long enough, you’ll reach the right receivers. That’s all we are, man, just little satellites orbiting this here rock on its way around the sun. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Beep Beep BeepBeep Beep. Just satellites sending and receiving signals until we get called back to the mothership out in the great beyond.”
- Matthew McConaughey on why he drives a Lincoln

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Feature

Report: Number of Stoned Teens Operating Carnival Rides at All-Time Low

A once-common sight in American communities, stoned teenage workers filling summertime jobs, is rapidly disappearing. According to a recent study by the University of Chicago’s Booth School of Business, summer 2024 saw the number of stoned teenagers operating carnival rides plummet to an all-time low.

Traditionally, summer jobs provided stoned teenagers with the desperately needed funds to purchase more weed. However, several factors have contributed to the decline. One significant reason is the increasing streaming demands on high school students. “It appears today’s youth are so consumed with online video streaming activities that they barely have any time to get stoned and operate heavy machinery like they used to,” said research team lead Dr. Marcus Weatherfoot, “in the 70s and 80s, you’d be hard pressed not to find someone who’s first job didn’t involve lighting up a doobie before strapping funnel cake filled thrill seekers into the harness of the Sky Chaser, Sling Shot, or Whirling Dervish. Now, you’d be lucky to find a stoned teen within a Skee-Ball throw of the flashing green start button to a Pirate Ship Swing or Music Express.” 

The decline in teenage employment has raised concerns about the impact on young people's development. Studies have shown that summertime carnival work can help stoned teenagers develop important skills, such as flirting with the goth who runs the milk bottle toss, siphoning quarters from the arcade change-making machine, and talking quickly and with confidence as a means of confusing the slow-witted and elderly. 

More importantly, it can also provide them with a sense of purpose. Nothing sharpens a teen’s focus on their future quite like gazing into the cold, dead eyes of their twice-divorced 43-year-old shift manager, contemplating the path that lies ahead.

“With increasing red tape around a former staple such as operating a forklift, and the ice-stake sharpener at the local rink going the way of the dinosaur,” said Dr. Weatherfoot, “it is essential to find ways to support stoned teens operating heavy machinery. For our young people and our nation.”  

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