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- #140
#140
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Crier Quotes
“There are no stairs in my house, only trampolines.”
- Jared Leto
Trending News
This week, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the Ray-Ban Meta glasses will soon be able to translate conversations in real time — meaning the number one place you’ll find people wearing them is nail salons.
The Chicago White Sox made history this week when they lost their 121st game of the season, making them the MLB team with the most losses since 1900. To commemorate the achievement, a group of White Sox fans are selling “We’re #1” foam middle fingers.
A new interactive White House experience — The People’s House — uses tech to create an immersive experience so visitors feel like they're the president, including a full-scale replica of the Oval Office, immersive set-ups that let you sit in on a cabinet meeting, and interactive portraits of White House staff, including cooks and ushers, that tell their stories. The White House Historical association says they perfected the presidential simulation after successfully using it over the last three years to trick Biden.
Feature
Pharmaceutical Ad Saves Man’s Life
They say miracles happen in the wee hours of the morning, and nothing could’ve been more true for local man Steve Fitzgivens. It was at 3:47am as Fitzgivens was contemplating what to do with the remaining three months he had on Earth when somewhere in between a run of infomercials for a two-in-one binocular visor and an air fryer that can cook an entire Thanksgiving turkey, that a commercial for Renaxin appeared.
“I couldn’t believe it,” said Fitzgivens, “I had to rub my eyes to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I mean, there I was on death’s doorstep when a guy with my exact condition appeared on the screen. But instead of being hooked up to machines with skin the color of seaweed, he was sun-kissed while taking an at-bat in a co-ed softball game one minute and then tire-swinging into a lake the next! As he climbed the dock ladder — his eight pack abs glistening in sunlight — and his hot wife wrapped him in a towel, I knew I had to speak with my doctor right away.”
The next day, Fitzgivens spoke with all 38 specialists who’d previously condemned him. Not one had ever heard of Ranaxin before — in large part due to the commercial for the drug running while they were asleep. “Thank god for late-night drug commercials,” said Dr. Lawrence Hughes, “Honestly, I’ve been practicing medicine for 38 years, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve overlooked prescribing a medicine to someone on the verge of dying because I went to sleep. Luckily, people who’re about to die worry a lot, so they’re usually still up when these things air. Then they come in and let me know which medicines they should be taking and presto — cured.”
After seeing the commercial for Ranaxin, Fitzgivens condition completely turned around. Not only did he get better, but he grew three inches and his hair has never been fuller or thicker in his life. “I owe everything to that commercial,” said Fitzgivens taking a pause from playing fetch with his loyal Labrador, “Thanks to Renaxin, I’m no longer on the side-lines. I’m back to doing what I love. Taking control of my health and living a life without limits.”
These cannabis gummies keep selling out in 2024
If you've ever struggled to enjoy cannabis due to the harshness of smoking or vaping, you're not alone. That’s why these new cannabis gummies caught our eye.
Mood is an online dispensary that has invented a “joint within a gummy” that’s extremely potent yet federally-legal. Their gummies are formulated to tap into the human body’s endocannabinoid system.
Although this system was discovered in the 1990’s, farmers and scientists at Mood were among the first to figure out how to tap into it with cannabis gummies. Just 1 of their rapid onset THC gummies can get you feeling right within 5 minutes!
Miscellaneous
New research suggests that 30 to 40 minutes of daily exercise could “offset” the negative effects of sitting for most of the day. The research was first published in the magazine — “Good Enough.”
A new report indicates McDonald's average menu prices in America increased by 100% between 2014 and early 2024 – more than 3x higher than US inflation over the same period. Executives say the increase is due to prices increasing at the same rate as customers’ BMI.
For the first time in decades, the Food and Drug Administration has approved a new twice-a-day pill for schizophrenia called Cobenfy. Approval was granted after the drug received rave reviews from patients who say 9/10 voices recommend.
A previously unknown composition by a teenage Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart has been discovered in a German library. The piece is titled Ganz kleine Nachtmusik — which roughly translates to “Girl, make that ass shake.”
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