- The Town Crier
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- #179
#179
Sunday, August 3rd
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#179
Sunday, August 3rd
Crier Quotes
“I like to go into a local Home Depot, Lowe’s, or Harbor Freight and ask the nearest stock boy where they keep the axes. Then I come back to return it about 5 hours later covered in fake blood.”
⁃ Michael Shannon, on how he spends his free time
Trending News
President Trump signed an executive order Thursday to reestablish the Presidential fitness test in public schools. Along with timed running, push-ups, and sit-ups, students will participate in a special event created to mirror the president’s strengths, which will measures how many dummies they can throw under a bus.
This week, Russia and North Korea started running direct flights between Moscow and Pyongyang — or, as they’re also known — prisoner swaps.
Chilis has partnered with boot maker Tecovas on a limited edition cowboy boot made from the same material as their booths. Which, coincidentally, is the same as their steak.
According to assistant professor of psychology Eshin Jolly at UC San Diego, gossiping is actually good for you, as it helps you find common ground with others and build relationships — although, I don’t know how much I believe him, because I heard he was like, super sketchy.
Feature
Nation’s Moms Want You to Apologize and Mean It
Standing with arms crossed and a stern look on their faces, the nation’s moms gathered to hold a press conference Tuesday afternoon, demanding that all 330 million Americans “Apologize this instant!”
“You know exactly what you did,” said mother of eight, Lisa Lowe, “Now, I want you to march your butt over there, look them in the eye, say you’re sorry, and mean it, mister!”
The mothers called the conference in light of them “absolutely having it up to here” with the entire nation’s populace. Several mothers who spoke wanted to know exactly “who you think you are acting that way,” with almost all expressing confusion as they knew “for damn sure” that they hadn’t raised you to behave like that.
In closing, the nation’s moms said that they “weren’t going to ask you again,” urging those who think they are kidding to “Try me,” adding, “Go ahead. See what happens.”
As this issue goes to print, the nation’s mothers heard your lousy excuse of an apology, which they promptly rejected, before demanding that you turn yourself right around and “try it again. This time with feeling.”
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