“I’ve only done it once, but I’d give every single award I’ve ever won just to get that feeling back.”
- Daniel Day-Lewis on sinking a Skee-ball shot in the top corner

Chuck Norris passed this week at the age of 86. Or as it was first reported — “Four Horsemen See Chuck Norris on Horizon.” In accordance with scripture, Norris will take his place as an aid to St. Peter, where he will roundhouse kick unfit souls to hell. 

At a live event in Hollywood, Taco Bell introduced a new edible sauce packet. Which makes sense because if you’re eating Taco Bell you’re already pretty flexible with the definition of edible.  

Galbot Robotics has released a video on X showing a humanoid robot rallying tennis shots with a human player in real time. Scoring the match was difficult, however, because no matter how hard they tried, the robot couldn’t understand the concept of love. 

Ruth’s Chris Steak House announced it’s enforcing a business casual dress code in their main dining rooms, prohibiting hats, gym wear, tank tops, and clothing with offensive graphics. While at Outback Steakhouse, the only rule is you “cover your down under.” 

Firing machine guns and rocket-propelled grenades, pirates boarded and seized control of a local Long John Silvers during the mid-afternoon lunch rush Thursday, approximately 12 miles inland from Port Tampa Bay.

According to Coast Guard officials, the store’s shift manager, Brian Anderson, his seven person crew, and a family from Milwaukee visiting relatives in the area were taken hostage, their hands bound and mouths gagged with frozen shrimp. 

The seizure is the latest in a string of incidents that security analysts say signals a troubling resurgence of organized attacks on maritime themed fast food restaurants, including the ransacking of four Red Lobsters and three Bubba Gumps in the last nine months. 

Speaking via drive thru communication systems, negotiators were able to secure the release of all hostages and a Fish and Shrimp Family Feast with large fountain sodas.

While thankful that it’s now over, the harrowing ordeal will forever live in his memory, as burned into his brain, Anderson says, is the moment just before the freezer door closed, when staring deep into his eyes, the pirate leader said, “Look at me. Look at me. I am the fry cook now.” 

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In honor of MLB’s Opening Day, here’s a story we ran last year that, honestly, hasn’t changed.

Displaying what psychologists describe as a textbook case of sports Stockholm syndrome, local Mets fans confirmed Monday they are absolutely ready to have their hearts shattered into a million pieces.

"This is our year. I can feel it," said local Queens plumber and long-time fan Mike Constantino, 47, blissfully unaware that he has uttered this exact phrase before every Opening Day since 1987. "The rotation looks solid, we've got power in the lineup, and the bullpen... well, the bullpen exists."

Across the five boroughs, fans are already mapping out elaborate scenarios in which the team builds a commanding division lead through July, only to collapse in spectacular fashion by mid-September.

Fans are particularly excited about this year's innovative ways to lose, including blown save opportunities, base running blunders in extra innings, leaving the starter in for exactly one batter too many in a crucial playoff game, and the time-honored tradition of watching promising prospects flourish after being traded at the deadline for aging veterans with bloated contracts.

The number of call-ins to local sports talk radio shows from “first-time caller, long-time listeners” has quintupled since the acquisition of All-Star outfielder Juan Soto — with many callers saying the joy they experienced the day they received news of the trade ranks above both their wedding day and the birth of their first child. Expert analysis indicates the Soto signing and retention of slugger Pete Alonso* have increased fan pleasure-pain index by a factor of twelve.

As this newsletter is sent, eyewitnesses confirm several fans have emptied their children’s college fund to “absolutely hammer” the 10-1 odds on the Mets winning the World Series saying, “It’s a lock.”

*In the year since the Mets last blew it, they’ve let Alonso sign with another team, which fans described as having their hearts ripped out through their colon. 

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