#165

Sunday, April 20th

Crier Quotes

“Up until about a year ago, I used to say ‘BLAST OFF!’ Every time I made number 2. So, in a way, I was already an astronaut.”
- Katy Perry 

Trending News

Uber released its annual lost and found list this week. Among the strangest lost items were a mannequin head with human hair, a viking drinking horn, breast milk, and Shrek ears — While the most commonly lost items were cell phones, wallets, consciousness, and dignity. 

British chocolate maker Cadbury recently unveiled the world’s largest creme egg, which it says is “as tall as an emperor penguin, with the poundage of a newborn horse” — Allow me to translate into American English — Cadbury made a chocolate Danny DeVito. 

A statue of a woman in Dublin has been assigned a security detail to stop tourists from squeezing its breasts for good luck. Although, historically, if you’re squeezing a breast, you’re already pretty lucky. 

Pizza Hut recently launched a limited edition pizza caviar box. Pizza Hut caviar is for anyone deciding what to order and thinking, “you know, on second thought, I think I will have my stomach pumped.” 

A herd of 25 runaway cows went parading through several neighborhoods in Pennsylvania’s Bucks County after escaping from a farm. Even more impressive, Locals say the theme of the parade was 80s glam. 

Feature

DOGE Saves Billions on Heating John Fetterman

After an initial rollout period marred by setbacks, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) scored a huge win Friday announcing it had found over $48.9 billion in savings by simply ending the government funded heating of Senator John Fetterman. The savings are significant considering the $48.9 billion used to keep Senator Fetterman’s temperature regulated accounts for 94% of the Department of Energy’s $51.99 billion budget for FY 2024. 

Funding for heating an elected official dates back to the late 70s, when standing at 6’ 7” then Wyoming senator Alan Simpson was reportedly costing the government $4.3 billion ($21 billion when adjusted for inflation). While not officially recognized, many economic historians do attribute Simpson’s egregious heating costs as a contributing factor for both recessions in the early 80s.

Keeping Fetterman’s entire 6’ 8” frame (including extremities) at the human body’s required 98.6°F is no small task, but one DOGE staffer, known by colleagues and friends alike as “Big Balls,” says a significant portion of the job might be done by providing Senator Fetterman with what he calls “long pants” — a measure fought by the Pennsylvania senator since day one of joining the senate in January 2023. 

“Senator Fetterman’s phalanges alone cost tax payers on average $287 million,” said Big Balls. “I’m confident we can save John and Jane Q. taxpayer a cool $2 billion this winter if we get him gloves.” 

What the administration will do with the nearly $50 billion in savings remains to be seen, but sources with intimate knowledge say the money will likely get added to the defense budget, where it’ll be added to Secretary Hegseth’s weekend slush fund. 

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