- The Town Crier
- Posts
- #162
#162
Sunday, March 30th
Crier Quotes
“I don’t think we’ll ever see any real, meaningful change in this country until that happens.”
- Austin Butler on a reboot of ALF
Trending News
A new study suggests the weightless drug Wegovy could increase the risk of hair loss. But don’t worry because we now have pills for that — although, those may cause impotence. But don’t worry because we have pills for that — although, those may cause low blood pressure. But don’t worry, we have pills for that — although, those may cause nausea. But don’t worry, we’ve got pills for that too. So honestly, I say go for it because what are you going to do — exercise?
US Postmaster General Louis DeJoy resigned after nearly five years in the role — Well, he actually resigned three years ago, but his letter just got there.
This week, President Trump called on Congress to defund NPR and PBS. NPR listeners haven’t been this mad since they went to a dinner party that only served merlot.
Once considered a bit of an afterthought, a new trend sees middle names becoming an opportunity for parents to be creative — including naming after colors. Which means at college orientations 18 years from now, you’ll hear, “Hi, I’m Tom, but I go by my middle name Atomic Tangerine.”
Texas state senator Angela Paxton introduced a bill to require photo ID when purchasing a dildo online and will criminally charge online retailers for selling “an obscene device” without verifying the buyers’ age — At the press conference announcing the bill, Paxton was asked if she’d do the same for guns, and they all had a good laugh.
Feature
Man Does Little Dance, Makes Little Love
Everything went exactly to plan in the late hours Saturday night on the dance floor of Lower Middle West Harlem’s Electric Lady as local man Eli Wilson successfully did a little dance and then made a little love.
With what eyewitnesses later referred to as “Kanye West levels of confidence,” Wilson hit the dance floor and “did the things he liked to do.” As Moses parted the sea, fellow revelers made way, presenting a space for Wilson beneath the pulse of florescent lights. From here, Wilson’s hips did the rest.
Within an instant, his moves caught the eye of nearby Jade Jones, who recalls the feeling as being hit with “a tractor beam of raw sexual magnetism.” “It was out of my control,” recalled Jones, “But it felt so right.” Handing her bag to her best friend, Jones sauntered onto the dance floor, eyes locked on Wilson, as those she passed by nodded in approval.
Once they were face to face, there was only one thing left to do — Get down. And get down they did. The two moved in sync: grooving to the rhythm. Then, in almost one choreographed motion, they whisked themselves away, from the dance floor to the bar and the bar to Wilson’s apartment, where they engaged in another, more intimate dance.
As light washed over the pair in the early morning hours on Sunday, Wilson promised that whenever she wished he would meet Jones “same place, same time,” so the pair could “get together and ease our minds.”
Thanks for reading! Click on the ad below to keep The Town Crier free! It’s like a “like” button that pays, so you don’t have to! Honestly, what can be better than that!
March’s monthly giveaway could be yours, but only if you get in by clicking on the link from our advertising partner Morning Brew below. No purchases necessary.
Here’s Why Over 4 Million Professionals Read Morning Brew
Business news explained in plain English
Straight facts, zero fluff, & plenty of puns
100% free
If you enjoyed this issue and want to support future editions, please share it!
If someone shared this issue with you, let’s cut out the middle man and subscribe for free by clicking below.
