In partnership with Mooglasses

Crier Quotes

“It was Halloween 2012. He was dressed as Cap’n Crunch. I don’t know his name, but I’ll never forget him or what we did in that Radisson.”
- Aubrey Plaza on her greatest lay

Trending News

Taking the age-old “trick-or-treat, smell my feet…“ song to heart, Airheads is gifting a limited-edition fruit scented foot spray to a lucky few in the coming days. While Airheads plans on treating your feet, Candy Corn plans to continue tasting like feet. 

On Thursday, millions of Americans shot their shot as it was the only day of the year to use the pickup line, “Are you today’s date? Because you’re a 10/10.” The line is considered cheesy on October 10th and just plain rude on February 10th. 

Scientists have fully recreated one of the largest known bugs in history – an extinct nine-foot-long invertebrate known as the Arthropleura, which weighed 100+ pounds and lived ~300 million years ago. Begging the question — why?

Feature

Score! Woman Wanting to Get Swept Off Feet Kidnapped 

Saying the new relationship is everything she ever wanted, local woman Bianca Garcia had her dreams of a man sweeping her off her feet come true after she was kidnapped late Tuesday night. 

“I’m sooo over all the dating games,” Garcia was overheard telling friends. “I just want a man to come and whisk me away, you know. Is that too much to ask? Like, I just want someone to throw me over his shoulder like a lumberjack and say ‘you’re mine.’” She then took a deep breath, raised her glass high, and shouted, “I’M READY! Somebody, please, take me!”

A video recording was emailed to Garcia’s family from an encrypted email address early Friday morning in which Garcia gushes over her new beau. “There must’ve been at least fifty equally drunk girls at that bar, but he chose me," said Garcia in the recorded video from a dimly lit cellar while holding Friday’s newspaper, “I knew when the burlap sack went over my head and he wrapped his arms around me and stuffed me into his trunk that he wasn’t like anyone I’d ever been with before. It’s nice to finally be with someone who knows what they want.”

When asked about their future plans, Garcia says, "We're taking it one day at a time, but I'm definitely enjoying every moment.”

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Miscellaneous

• Kraft Heinz is pairing its A1 sauce with tub butter to create Steakhouse Butter. Reviewers say it’s so good it’ll be the first thing you ask for after the bypass. 

• According to reports, new policy initiatives may see the dawn of a nuclear energy age in the United States. The moves make sense when you consider the political theme for the US in 2024 is “meltdown.”  

• Seattle Kraken's Jessica Campbell has become the NHL's first full-time female assistant coach — making her the first person on a professional hockey bench without a stick. 

• Mtn Dew has released a Halloween inspired mystery flavor called “Voodew”— which is fun, because when it comes out its a Voodew Doodoo 

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