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#150
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Editor’s Note: This is the last issue of 2024! A huge thank you to everyone for your support. We’ll be back with a new issue on Jan. 5th. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all!
Crier Quotes
“Trust me, I’m a grower.”
- Stretch Armstrong
Trending News
Friday marked the 221st anniversary of the finalizing of the Louisiana Purchase. Because it doesn’t get said nearly enough, we just want to take a moment to say — Suck it, France!
North Korean soldiers appear to have died fighting for Russia in the war against Ukraine, according to a U.S. official. Or as it was reported in North Korea, “Soldiers Fine. War Fine. Everything Fine.”
Feature
Star Running Back Cleared for Play After Concussion Downgraded to Frontal Lobe Sprain
In a surprising turn of events, star running back Kayshawn Brooks has been cleared to play in next week’s crucial matchup after team doctors downgraded his concussion to a “frontal lobe sprain.”
“We were initially concerned when we saw Brooks’s body completely seize and shake uncontrollably after getting absolutely vaporized by that vicious helmet-first spear tackle,” said team physician Dr. Quentin Easeman. “But after a thorough review of his MRI, we found the damage wasn’t as severe as we first feared. It’s more of a localized sprain to the frontal lobe than full tear of the connective nerve fibers.”
Brooks, who has reported experienced a persistent ringing in his ears, sensitivity to light, and an uncontrollable urge to eat dirt and bark at cars passing by, expressed he’s ready to strap his helmet on and get back out there.
“Look, I’ve been getting my bell rung like this since I was four. This is nothing new, but honestly, I’m flimb, I’m flime. I’m. fine.” Brooks said. “I mean, c’mon. It’s the biggest game of the season. I can’t let a little brain sprain keep me on the sidelines. Coach says as long as I don’t think, I should be fine.”
Dr. Easeman remains confident that by fitting Brooks for a compression sleve and an anti-tounge-swallowing mouth guard should allow him to effectively contribute to the offense, but says they’ll continue to monitor Brooks throughout the game. If at any point Brooks is looking off, Easeman says they will pull him from the field and immediatley administer the necessary coctail of drugs to keep him upright.
Tired of asking “What’s for dinner?” Here’s the answer.
It’s Tovala—the chef-crafted meal delivery service that’s changing the game for dinner (and lunch and breakfast). Each meal is delivered fresh and takes only 1 minute to prep so you can spend less time cooking and more time living.
Miscellaneous
brought to you by Ohai.ai
Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, celebrated its second annual pre-Christmas Wedding Wednesday with 14 couples having their ceremony officiated by Santa Clause. Unable to help himself, Santa kept finishing the ceremonies by pronouncing them husband and Ho Ho Ho.
In a post on Truth Social, President-elect Trump made comments suggesting Canada should beocme the 51st state — “Oh, you gotta be fuckin kiddin me,” said Puerto Rico.
New research from the University of Bath shows that mothers take on 71% of household mental load tasks while fathers manage just 45%. For more, you can Google the study, titled, “CAN EVERYONE JUST GIVE ME ONE FUCKING SECOND?!”
Netflix announced that it secured the exclusive US rights for the FIFA Women’s World Cup in 2027 and 2031. The company is already preparing its apology for when its algorithm inevitably displays the halftime message “why are you still watching?”
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