#190

Sunday, November 23rd

Editor’s Note: Let me be one of the first to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! No new issue next Sunday as I’ll be traveling to visit family for Turkey Day. Back with a new issue on December 7th.

Crier Quotes

“Penicillin.”
- Charlie Sheen on what he’s thankful for

Trending News

A new study suggests the first kiss was over 17 million years ago. Followed three days later by the first “So, what are we?”  

The studio responsible for the viral Baby Shark song completed its Initial Public Offering and began trading on the South Korean stock exchange. Experts say the stock price is heavily tied to the company’s ability to reproduce Baby Shark-style hits, which have both commercial success and the ability to get enemy combatants to talk 

Monster Energy is set to release a new “female-focused energy drink” called FLRT. Monster says the drink delivers women the same amount of focused ass-kicking energy as being told to calm down.  

Rainbow Wool, a German nonprofit that spins knit clothing from the fleeces of rescued gay rams, recently partnered with Grindr to put on a fashion show titled “I Wool Survive.” The show included a moving vocal performance by a young gay ram known as Lady Baa Baa. 

Feature

New York Jets Release Fanbase to Free Agency

In what is being hailed as the most compassionate move this season, the New York Jets announced this week they have released their fanbase to free agency: allowing Jets faithful to freely choose a more successful franchise to support.

“We believe all fans deserve a chance to be happy. Simply being born into the Jets fanbase should not prevent someone from experiencing the joys of winning,” said Jets GM Darren Mougey.

The announcement comes off the back of three consecutive "rebuilding" decades for the Jets and no sign of the scaffolding coming down anytime soon. "There’s an old saying," said Mougey, "If you love something, set it free. The entire Jets organization believes we’ve put the good people of the tri-state area through enough, and from the bottom of our hearts, we wish all of them the best of luck with their new franchise.” Mougey closed his remarks by hoping Jets fans find a team that can provide the winning records, deep runs into the playoffs, and championship ring that they never will. “At the beginning of the season, every fan thinks ‘this is our year’ and with any luck, after today, that may actually be true for some former Jets fan.”

At publication, the entire Jets fanbase said they don’t plan on rushing the decision. Instead, taking the rest of the season to consider their options and savor the final disappointment before committing to a more successful franchise. 

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