“With God as my witness, I will bury you in the ground.”
- Johnny Appleseed 

Waffle House announced it’s now taking reservations for Valentine’s Day. It’s the reservation that’ll have all her friends asking, “So, do you think he’s the one that’s going to kill you?” 

A new study finds that by 2035 nearly half of American adults will be obese. After reading the report, pharmaceutical executives held a meeting in which they danced around like the Six Flags man.

A UPS driver in California saved a 101 year-old woman from her burning home. Unfortunately, without a label, the driver had no choice but to return to sender. 

A Delaware man was fired from job as a school bus driver after he was allegedly caught on surveillance camera having sex with a prostitute inside the bus. The man was called a “disgusting perv” by the PTA and “just the kinda guy we’re looking for” by ICE.

Absolut Vodka has teamed up with Tobasco to make a chili pepper flavored vodka. Perfect for anyone who wants to challenge their liver to a knife fight. 

According to eyewitness reports, local boyfriend Peter Abbott was seen trailing closely behind girlfriend Jillian McCormick as she perused the aisles of Sephora Saturday afternoon. Sources confirmed Abbott was “a complete and utter shell of what used to be a man.” 

On the first weekend without either college or professional football during the midday hours, Abbott was left completely defenseless against the suggestion that he join his girlfriend on a few “quick errands.” Even though they had already made four stops to pick up online orders and make exchanges, the 27-year-old knew his afternoon was far from finished when outside the Sephora he heard his girlfriend say she just needed to “pop in here for a sec,” adding, “It’ll be quick, I promise.” As the blood drained from his face, he paused for a moment, standing at the threshold of the store, knowing what was awaiting on the other side: unforgiving fluorescent lights, a cacophony of sounds and scents, and worst of all, teenagers.   

His eyes glazed over as he began to completely disassociate himself from his pending reality. With a slow, lumbering gait, he trudged behind the whirling McCormick. It was somewhere between skincare and cosmetics that staff say they saw Abbott pause as he caught a glimpse of what must’ve been himself in the mirror, but it was clear from the sterile vacancy in his eyes that he didn’t recognize the shattered husk staring back at him. How long the entire ordeal lasted is anyone’s guess. 

At press time, sources confirmed hearing a dazed Abbott ask, “Where am I? What happened?” later that evening when he finally came back into consciousness as the first sip of beer touched his lips.   

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