- The Town Crier
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- #186
#186
Sunday, October 12th
In Partnership with Particle
#186
Sunday, October 12th
Crier Quotes
“In every school play growing up, I was either tree #1 or tree #2.”
- Wilt Chamberlain
Trending News
Amazon is launching its own private label brand, Amazon Grocery, with many items under $5. A spokesperson said the company decided to make the move away from organics after founder Jeff Bezos got his hands on some artificial melons.
Google is partnering with Sesame Street to help teach kids about having a healthy relationship with technology. Many details are still being worked out but something tells me I know who’s going to teach kids about the importance of “clearing your cookies.”
Costco is now selling the blockbuster weight-loss drugs Wegovy and Ozempic at discounted prices. The announcement is a win for people struggling with weight-loss and irony.
Sean “Diddy” Combs was sentenced to four years in prison, following his conviction on two counts of transportation to engage in prostitution. Corrections officers will have to keep an eye on Combs trying to escape because from all accounts, he’s a slippery one.
Feature
Single Female Duck Seeks Breadwinner
With a dating history riddled with one disappointment after another, local single duck, Misty Pebbles, went where no duck has gone before, placing a classified ad in the local Sunday paper:
“Single Female Duck Seeking Breadwinner: Tired of swiping. Tired of games. Looking for someone to take me under their wing. Enjoys fishing, taking baths, strolling a Farmer’s Market on a lazy Sunday, and Agatha Christie novels. Willing to migrate.”
Misty spent her early years in the dating pool never wanting to ruffle any feathers, but after years of downloading, deleting, and redownloading apps like OurNest, FlockFinder, and Ponder, Misty decided it was time to shake things up. And if her direct approach scares you, then she says you were probably never right to begin with.
“I’ve tried everything,” said Misty, preening herself in front of the reflecting pool, “Name an app, I’ve been on it, and where has it gotten me? Most drakes on these apps act like they’re in it for the long term, but you let them fly in your V-formation once and the next thing you know they’re ducking your calls. It’s like, the second a swan bats a smokey eye at them, they’re gone. I’m ready for the real thing. No more decoys.”
Through it all, Misty remains optimistic that she’ll find a man who fits the bill, and when she does, that’ll be one lucky duck.
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Since the launch of our first collection — The Untold True Stories You Haven’t Heard Because They Never Happened — I’ve gotten several emails from folks showing off their copies. Thank you to everyone who’s sent in messages. And if you haven’t picked up your copy yet, you can do so by clicking the button below!
Shout out to Brad and Dede in Kansas City!
And Marco in Brooklyn!
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